Secrecy Destroys

Welcome back, folks! If you’ve been following along with this series, then you’re already clued up on some of the most common misconceptions surrounding monogamy which we explored in Part 1, and should be well-versed in the warning signs of the 7 affair types which were covered in Part 2 and Part 3. We’ve even busted a few myths about infidelity in Part 4. Now, it’s time for the grand finale – the juicy tips and tricks that will help you protect your relationship from the dreaded “I” word.

I’m going to give you the inside scoop on how to bulletproof your relationship and keep the fire burning. From practical advice to mindset shifts, I’ll cover it all. Plus, I will share some telltale signs that your partner might be cheating, so you can address it before it becomes a bigger issue. Whether you’re in a long-term partnership or just starting out, these tips will give you the best chance of avoiding the trappings of infidelity.

So, buckle up and get ready to learn how to keep the spark alive and the love strong!

Navigating relationships can be a real test of endurance, especially in today’s sex-saturated culture and 24/7 access to the internet and all its mischievous trappings. Everywhere you turn, from the office to the fitness center to a casual night out, temptation seems to be lurking. It can be a real challenge to stay committed and resist the urge to give in to the seductive allure of these potential distractions.

And yet the very nature of infidelity is the secrecy it is shrouded in. The excitement of infidelity comes from the thrill of the forbidden, the rush of adrenaline that comes from doing something that you know you shouldn’t. It’s like being a spy, sneaking around and keeping your true feelings and actions hidden from prying eyes. The secrecy itself adds to the allure, creating a sense of mystery and intrigue that makes infidelity so tempting.

But as thrilling as it may be, infidelity is ultimately a betrayal of trust. It’s a breach of the sacred bond between two people who have committed themselves to each other. While the temptation may be strong, the consequences can shatter hearts, and cause irreparable damage.

In her book ‘Not Just Friends psychologist and godmother of infidelity research Shirley Glass highlighted the dangerous world of secrecy between couples.

She writes ‘Keeping secrets erects barriers. Whenever you’re trying not to spill the beans, you are inhibiting your own natural impulses with internal warnings: Don’t tell! Don’t show! Instead of being free and authentic, you become artful, subtly crafting your verbal responses to influence your partner’s impressions and reactions. It’s hard to be truly close to someone when you’re hiding something of significance from him or her.

While secrecy is often a telltale sign of infidelity, there may be other clues that your partner has committed the ultimate act of betrayal. Let’s take a look at some:

• They become distant and emotionally unavailable: If your partner seems to be withdrawing from you emotionally, it could be a sign that they are cheating. They may be focusing their attention on someone else and pulling away from you.
• They are defensive: If your partner gets defensive or angry when you ask them about their whereabouts or their behavior, it could be a sign that they are hiding something.
• Excessive time on social media. One of the potential signs of cheating in a relationship is excessive time spent on social media. If they are being secretive about their social media activity or seem defensive when you ask about it, it could be a sign that they are hiding something.
• They are less interested in sex: If your partner suddenly loses interest in sex or intimacy, it could be a sign that they are getting their needs met elsewhere.
• They are spending more time away from home: If your partner is suddenly spending more time away from home and has vague excuses for their whereabouts, it could be a sign that they are cheating.
• They are secretive about their phone or computer: If your partner suddenly becomes very protective of their phone or computer and doesn’t want you to see what’s on it, it could be a sign that they are trying to hide something.
• They start dressing differently: If your partner suddenly starts dressing nicer or more provocatively, it could be a sign that they are trying to impress someone else.
• They are frequently unreachable: If your partner is frequently unreachable or doesn’t answer your calls or texts, it could be a sign that they are with someone else.
• They are constantly accusing you of cheating: Sometimes, people who are cheating will accuse their partners of cheating as a way to deflect suspicion.
• They suddenly have new interests or hobbies: If your partner suddenly has new interests or hobbies that they are very passionate about, it could be a sign that they are spending time with someone who shares those interests.
• They have unexplained expenses: If your partner suddenly has unexplained expenses, such as gifts or meals out, it could be a sign that they are spending money on someone else.

Discovering that your partner is involved in a full-fledged affair can be a devastating blow to any relationship. One of the biggest challenges is that the offending partner may not feel any remorse for their actions. They may even feel entitled to the affair and justified in their behavior. In such cases, the road to recovery is extremely difficult. Rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship becomes almost impossible when the offending partner does not acknowledge the harm they have caused or show any willingness to change their behavior. Without genuine remorse and a commitment to work on the relationship, it can be challenging to move forward and repair the damage that has been done.

One type of affair is the Exit Affair, which serves as a clear indication that the relationship is over. When the involved partner is caught, there is a sense of relief as they can finally put an end to a troubled marriage. Read more about the various affair types.

Sometimes, an affair can happen unexpectedly, a perfect storm of events, timing, and circumstances that all come together in a way that leads to infidelity. The cheating partner may be deeply in love with their spouse and may not have intended for the affair to happen. After the truth comes out, the guilty party is often wracked with feelings of remorse, shame, and regret for their actions.

To restore a marriage that has been damaged by infidelity, the unfaithful partners must acknowledge the pain they have caused and accept accountability for their behavior.

Nothing shakes up a marriage quite like an affair, it is an emotionally traumatic event, leading to feelings of betrayal, hurt, and anger. In some ways, it can be likened to a radioactive substance -hazardous and potentially deadly, but it can also be a catalyst for positive transformation. As the aftermath of the affair unfolds, it can create an outpouring of energy that leads to new insights and enhanced communication, ultimately revitalizing the relationship.

Taking a proactive approach to preventing infidelity from happening in the first place is the best course of action. In the following section of this article, we will cover practical advice on how to safeguard your marriage from infidelity. This includes developing a mindset and attitude that prohibits such behavior from entering into the marital realm. Get started with this Coaching Exercise ‘How Well Do You Know Your Partner’…it’s fun and can help to strengthen your relationship!

1. Trust

Trusting your partner means that you have confidence in their fidelity and that they will remain loyal to you.

Trust is a vital component of a healthy and successful marriage. It’s the cornerstone of a strong bond between two individuals, and it’s built over time through consistent communication, honesty, and integrity. Trusting your partner means that you believe in their character and that they have your best interests at heart. That their actions will protect the well-being and longevity of the relationship. It means that you feel secure and confident in your relationship and that you can rely on them during challenging times.

Trust involves more than just believing that your partner won’t cheat on you. It’s also about having faith in their judgment, their ability to make good decisions, and their willingness to be honest and transparent with you. It’s about being able to confide in them, knowing that they will keep your secrets safe, and being able to depend on them to follow through on their promises.

Examples of trust in a marriage include sharing financial information and decisions, being honest about your thoughts and feelings, supporting each other’s goals and dreams, and keeping your word. Trust also means giving your partner the benefit of the doubt when they make mistakes and being willing to forgive and move forward.

Ultimately, trust is the foundation of any successful marriage. Without it, the relationship is likely to suffer and may even crumble over time. By prioritizing trust and working to build it each day, couples can create a strong and lasting bond that can withstand the challenges of life.

2. Personal Values

A partner who is not constrained by personal values will give off signals that he or she is ripe for the picking.

Personal values refer to a set of beliefs, principles, and ideals that you hold dear and use to guide your actions and decisions. These values are shaped by various factors such as family background, culture, religion, education, and life experiences. Personal values play a crucial role in shaping your identity, behavior, and relationships. They form the foundation of an individual’s moral compass and are essential in determining what one considers right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable.

When it comes to the love domain, not being constrained by personal values will give off signals that you are available and ready for the ride! If your personal values about marriage are not held firmly to your heart you don’t see the sanctity of it, the commitment that comes with it, and the love that fuels it. You’re like a ship sailing on choppy waters, without an anchor to hold you down. And that’s dangerous. Because when you come across someone who catches your fancy, you won’t hesitate to pursue them. You won’t think twice about committing the ultimate act of betrayal. That’s why personal values about marriage are non-negotiable. They’re your shield, your sword, your fortress. They protect you and your relationship from the prying eyes of those who would try to steal it away. They keep your relationship love strong and true.

3. Communication

With strong communication skills, you and your partner should be able to talk openly and honestly.

Effective and thoughtful communication is key to a happy and healthy relationship. It’s not just about being able to talk to each other, but it’s also about listening with an open mind and an open heart. Whether it’s expressing deep emotions to one another, day-to-day mundane topics, or discussing the more challenging issues, communication builds trust, intimacy, and understanding. It allows you to grow together, learn from each other’s experiences, and ultimately, create a deeper connection. Remember, communication isn’t just about the words you say, but it’s also about the way you say them. And it can also be about listening to words that are unspoken which means tuning in to your partner’s inner voice, hearing the whispers of their Soul. Speaking to each other with kindness, patience, and empathy goes a long way in building a strong emotional connection that can withstand the challenges of life together.

But the true test of communication comes with talking about the tough stuff which isn’t easy, but it’s an essential part of the process. Being attracted to someone else is a natural human feeling, and it’s okay to talk about it with your partner. In fact, avoiding the subject can do more harm than good. Honesty and openness are crucial in any relationship, and being able to discuss attraction with your partner can actually strengthen the bond between you. It allows you to express your feelings without fear of judgment, and it also allows your partner to share their thoughts and feelings in a safe space. So, don’t be afraid to have those difficult conversations, because they can ultimately bring you closer. Remember, the foundation of a strong relationship is built on trust, and there’s no better way to build trust than through open communication.

4. Intimacy

Intimacy is about more than just sex. It’s about feeling emotionally connected and close to your partner. Make time for intimacy and prioritize it in your relationship.

Intimacy is a crucial component of a fulfilling relationship. It is the emotional connection that is shared with your partner, which makes you feel closer to each other. However, intimacy is not just limited to physical affection or sexual activities. It can also be expressed through non-sexual gestures like holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and spending quality time together. These acts of intimacy create a safe and secure environment, which enables you to communicate openly and honestly with each other. When you prioritize intimacy in your relationship, it enhances the trust and understanding between you, leading to a more satisfying and lasting bond.

To cultivate intimacy, make time for it. In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, household chores, the kids, and other responsibilities, leaving little room for intimacy. It’s vital therefore to create opportunities to connect with each other, such as scheduling a date night, taking a weekend getaway, or even spending an evening at home without distractions. These moments of intimacy allow you to relax, unwind and focus on each other.

Vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to intimacy. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you create space for your partner to see you as you truly are, fostering unparalleled connections and a sense of intimacy that can only be achieved through genuine authenticity and trust.

Prioritizing intimacy strengthens the relationship and increases the quality of communication thus reducing the chance of infidelity.

5. Respect

Respecting your partner means treating them as your equal and valuing their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. 

Respecting your partner shows them that you value them as a human being. You acknowledge their individuality, and you understand that they have a unique perspective on the world that deserves to be heard and understood. It means you are willing to listen without judgment and that you are open to the possibility that they may have different ideas or opinions than you do. This is the basis of deep, meaningful conversations that help both of you to grow and learn from each other.

At the heart of respect is a sense of mutual trust and understanding. Respecting your partner’s boundaries and their right to privacy communicates that you trust them to make their own decisions and to take care of themselves. This can be a powerful gesture of love and affection, as it demonstrates that you are confident in their abilities and that you are willing to give them the space they need to thrive. Ultimately, respect is about recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of another person, and treating them accordingly. When you show your partner respect, the foundation that you build together is unshakeable.

6. Honesty

Honesty is crucial in any relationship, but it’s especially important in a marriage. Be truthful with your partner, even when it’s difficult, and avoid keeping secrets or lying.

As I mentioned earlier secrets erect barriers for the simple reason that in order to keep up the lies and pretense you must hide behind a false identity; an identity that thrives in the shadows. And so it’s hard to be close with someone who lives under an assumed persona in a world of secrecy.

Without honesty, a marriage will crumble like a house of cards. And let’s face it, being honest isn’t always easy. Sometimes it requires you to admit things that you’re not proud of or to have difficult conversations that you’d rather avoid. But the alternative is far worse. Dishonesty, including lies by omission, creates an atmosphere of distance and mistrust and can be difficult to repair. It’s challenging to have faith in someone who is deceitful, hides information, or presents distorted versions of the truth.

So, how do you cultivate honesty in your marriage? Start by being transparent. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, even when they’re uncomfortable. Admit your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. Create an environment where your partner feels safe to do the same. Remember, honesty isn’t just about telling the truth; it’s also about being open and vulnerable with your partner. It’s about showing them that you trust them enough to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. When honesty becomes a habit, it strengthens the bond between two people, creating a marriage that can withstand the tests of time.

7. Shared values

Shared values and beliefs can help strengthen your relationship and provide a sense of unity.

When you and your partner have shared values, you are likely to have similar goals and priorities and support each other in achieving them. Shared values can help you navigate the ups and downs of life together, as they provide a foundation of common beliefs and principles. For example, if you both value honesty and open communication, you’ll be more likely to trust each other and work through any disagreements in a healthy way. Shared values can also help you make important decisions together, such as how to handle money or raise children. Talk with your partner about your values and work together to align them. Finding common ground can create a strong sense of unity in your relationship.

It’s important to remember, however, that shared values don’t mean that you and your partner have to agree on everything. It’s okay to have different perspectives and opinions on certain issues. What’s important is that you respect each other’s views and work together to find a way forward. That you both feel heard and respected. By embracing your differences and focusing on your shared values, you can build a relationship that is both supportive and satisfying.

8. Commitment

Commitment means staying devoted to your partner and your relationship, even during difficult times. Make a conscious effort to prioritize your marriage and your partner’s needs.

“Commitment is about choice. And it’s not just choosing your partner. It’s about choosing the relationship day after day.”

Commitment involves a conscious effort to prioritize your partner’s needs, even when things get tough. This means staying devoted to your partner and honoring your relationship, no matter what challenges may arise. Whether it’s financial stress, health problems, or disagreements, a strong commitment to your partner will help you weather the storm together. When you make a commitment to your relationship, you are saying that you value your partner and your life together. That your relationship is a safe and secure haven. You make a statement to the world that you are an unwavering team and a force to be reckoned with. This level of dedication can help you navigate the ups and downs of life and build a deeper, more meaningful connection with your significant other.

To truly commit to your partner, it’s important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings, needs, and expectations. This means actively listening to your partner and being willing to compromise when necessary. It also means being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility for your mistakes. When you make a commitment to your partner, you are making a promise to work through challenges together and support each other through thick and thin. A strong commitment serves as the foundation for the longevity and growth of your relationship.

9. Friendship

Being friends with your partner can help strengthen your bond and create a sense of emotional intimacy.

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned researcher and therapist who has dedicated his career to studying relationships and what makes them succeed or fail. One of his key findings is that having a strong friendship is a strong predictor of a successful and long-lasting relationship. According to Gottman, couples who are friends first and foremost tend to have a deeper and more meaningful connection, which helps them weather the ups and downs of life together.

Couples who are friends enjoy spending time together and share common interests. They have fun together, whether that’s exploring new places, trying new hobbies, or just spending a lazy Sunday morning in bed. They also have a deep understanding and knowledge of each other’s worlds, sharing their hopes and dreams, fears and insecurities, and their day-to-day experiences, a term Dr. Gottman calls ‘Love Maps.’

“They tend to know each other well and express their fondness through small gestures in the daily routine of living together. They are mindful of what their partner likes and wants and try to provide it. In small but important ways, they look out for each other.”

Friendship also means being there for each other during difficult times and providing emotional support. When couples have a strong friendship, they are more likely to view each other as equals and treat each other with respect, which can create a foundation of mutual trust and love.

In order to build a strong friendship with your partner, Gottman suggests focusing on creating a culture of appreciation, admiration, and respect in your relationship. This means taking the time to really listen to your partner, showing interest in their thoughts and feelings, being supportive of their goals and dreams, and celebrating each other’s successes.

It also means practicing kindness, forgiveness, and humor in your interactions with one another, and being willing to work through conflicts and challenges together as a team. By nurturing your friendship and cultivating a strong emotional bond, you give your relationship the best chance to thrive over the long term.

10. Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries can help prevent infidelity and maintain trust in your relationship.

Boundaries are an essential aspect of any healthy relationship, as they help to establish clear expectations and promote mutual respect. When it comes to preventing infidelity and maintaining trust in a relationship, having clearly defined boundaries can be especially crucial. By discussing and agreeing upon what behaviors and actions are acceptable and what are not, you and your partner can avoid misunderstandings and potential triggers for infidelity.

Some examples of boundaries you might consider setting in your relationship could include not engaging in physical or emotional intimacy with others outside of the relationship, not sharing intimate details about your relationship with others, and being transparent about your communication and interactions with people of the opposite sex. It’s important to remember that boundaries are not about control or restriction but rather about creating a safe and respectful environment for both partners to feel secure in the relationship. By communicating openly and honestly with your partner about your boundaries and respecting their boundaries as well, you can build a stronger foundation of trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Prevention is Better Than Cure

Experiencing betrayal from the very person you love and trust more than anything in this world is heartbreaking. This is the person you entrusted your family and future to. Your confidant, companion, best friend, and lover who promised to always stand by your side as you faced the world together. Together, you built a life, shared dreams, and poured out so much of yourself to this person whom you thought would always be dependable. But now, the excruciating agony of betrayal is overwhelming, and the depth of your anguish is beyond your imagination.

The pain and trauma caused by infidelity are unparalleled, yet there is a glimmer of hope. The path to recovery is lengthy and challenging, requiring joint effort to confront the pain. It also entails being receptive to investigating the root cause of the betrayal. Eventually, a willingness to forgive and facilitate mutual healing for both individuals and the relationship is crucial.

After delving into the intricate dynamics of infidelity over a 5-part series, it feels like I’ve written an entire book! 😊 Nonetheless, I’ve spared no effort in providing you with valuable advice to strengthen your precious relationship. Prevention is indeed the best strategy when it comes to infidelity. Therefore, invest time and effort in nurturing your partnership, and implement my suggestions regularly to avoid taking each other for granted. Most importantly, cherish your bond every single day.

Need a Couples Coach?

If your relationship is just not working, needs a reset, or change in direction, or you want to take it to a whole new level, my Coaching Practice provides a safe space to help you create the relationship you desire. Take action now with Couples Coaching and develop relational skills to deepen intimacy, communication, and friendship. I use science-based tools and techniques to help identify your strengths and weaknesses and create an Action Plan for a more satisfying and fulfilling partnership. Imagine having more fun, sharing more of yourself, and strengthening your bond. Schedule a FREE, one-on-one, ‘Couple’s Relationship Strategy Session, and let’s work together to create the relationship of your dream! 😊

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I hope you found it informative and helpful. Remember, sharing is caring, so if you think someone you know could benefit from this information, don’t hesitate to pass it along.

If you want to stay up to date with my latest musings, be sure to sign up for my Newsletter and connect with me on social media. I’m always sharing new and exciting content that I think you’ll find inspiring and thought-provoking.

Thank you again for your support, and I look forward to connecting with you soon! ❤️

With Grace and Gratitude

Michelle

FREE COACHING RESOURCES

and weekly inspiration