Challenging Assumptions

We’re almost to the finish line! Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 are just about in the rearview…so let’s jump right into part 4 of this tantalizing series: Exploring the Complicated Dynamics of Infidelity: A Guide for Couples  

Infidelity is a topic that is shrouded in secrecy and shame, leaving those in its aftermath feeling alone, angry, and confused when it comes to this taboo subject. Despite its prevalence, infidelity is often misunderstood and surrounded by myths and misconceptions that only add to the controversy. In today’s blog, “The Shocking Truth About Infidelity: Dispelling 7 Myths,” I aim to challenge your assumptions about cheating and broaden your understanding of this taboo subject. I’ll explore the most common myths surrounding infidelity and provide evidence-based insights that are quite the eye-opener. Let’s get started!

Can We Really Love More than One Person At The Same Time?

The phenomenon of cheating is intricate and multifaceted, encompassing various psychological, biological, and neurological components that are not always fully understood. Stemming from the euphoric high in the early stages of falling in love, the way we cheat and the way we love are similarly linked in ways that might surprise you.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, provides a convincing description of the experience of being in love with another person.

She says, “that person becomes the center of the world. You have an intense craving to be with that person, not just sexually, but emotionally. You can list the things you don’t like about them, but all that gets pushed aside and you focus only on what you do like about them.”

“It’s an obsession,” Fisher said in her TED Talk called “Why we love, why we cheat.”

The biological explanation behind why people may cheat on their loved ones is a far cry from romantic notions. Essentially, romantic love is linked to heightened levels of the reward hormone dopamine in the brain.

Fisher sights an experiment in which she and a group of researchers conducted brain scans on people who were in love. In the study, the participants were shown a neutral photo and then a photo of their beloved. The researchers observed and recorded which areas of the brain were activated as the participants viewed the photo of their partner.

They discovered that one of the primary brain regions that were activated after admiring the photo was the reward system – an area in the brain that is stimulated when someone takes cocaine or has an orgasm. According to Fisher, this indicates that romantic love is not simply a series of emotions ranging from high to low, but rather it’s a drive. It comes from the motor of the mind; the wanting and craving part of the mind. She further states that it may be more dominant than the sex drive.

Numerous other studies have also indicated that love functions as a motivation and reward system in the brain. However, if love is gratifying, then what propels us to be unfaithful to our partners?

When we fall for someone, it’s not just the romantic love brain system that gets activated, and that’s the problem. According to Fisher, there are actually three different brain systems that are involved in love; the most powerful brain system on earth for great joy and great sorrow, as she states.

These three basically different systems evolved from mating and reproduction: SEX DRIVE is like an “intolerable neural itch, that motivates us to seek out multiple partners to help pass on our genes to ensure the survival of the species. Second, there is ROMANTIC LOVE, which allows us to focus mating energy on one particular individual at a time, thereby conserving mating time and energy. And finally, there is ATTACHMENT, the third brain system, a sense of calm and safety that comes with being in a long-term relationship, which enables us to work together as a team to raise children.

Fisher went on to say that these three brain systems, (sex drive/lust, romantic love, and attachment) aren’t always connected to each other. You can feel deep attachment to a long-term partner while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else and also experience a strong sex drive to someone other than your partner.

“In short, we’re capable of loving more than one person at a time,” Fisher said and explains why some people may cheat on their partner.

It’s why someone can lay in bed at night thinking about deep feelings of attachment to one person and swing to thoughts of romantic love for somebody else.

“It’s as if there’s a committee meeting going on inside your head as you try to decide what to do,” Fisher went on to say. “I don’t think honestly that we’re an animal that was built to be happy — we’re an animal that was built to reproduce. I think the happiness we find, we make. And I think, however, we can make good relationships with each other”

This may leave you with a somewhat pessimistic outlook on love but despite all these straightforward and unavoidable biological processes, there’s still mystery and “magic to it.” the Biology Anthropologist concluded.

Cheating is a hot-button issue, no doubt, but I invite you to join me on this journey of discovery and gain fresh perspectives as we dispel 7 myths surrounding this emotionally charged subject.

Myth 1: Infidelity is always a sign of a troubled relationship

FACT: Infidelity can occur even in healthy and happy relationships. It does not always indicate underlying problems in a relationship.

Shirley Glass was a renowned psychologist and author who specialized in the study of infidelity and its impact on relationships. One of the most common myths surrounding infidelity is that it is always a sign of a troubled relationship. However, according to Glass, this is not always the case. In her book “Not Just Friends,” Glass explains that infidelity can occur in even the healthiest of relationships, and can be a result of various factors such as a lack of boundaries, opportunities for temptation, and unresolved personal issues.

Glass’s research shows that infidelity can be more about the individual rather than the relationship itself. In some cases, people may engage in infidelity as a way to cope with their own personal issues, such as low self-esteem, a need for attention, or a desire for excitement. Additionally, some people may be more prone to infidelity due to their personality traits, such as a tendency towards impulsivity or risk-taking behavior. Therefore, it is important to recognize that infidelity can happen even in happy and healthy relationships and that it does not necessarily mean that the relationship is in trouble.

While infidelity can certainly be a sign of a troubled relationship, it is not always the case. According to Shirley Glass’s research, there are a variety of factors that can contribute to infidelity, many of which have little to do with the state of the relationship itself. It is important for individuals and couples to recognize this, and to work on addressing these underlying issues in order to move forward in a healthy and positive way.

Myth 2: Only men cheat

FACT: Both men and women cheat. Studies show that men and women both cheat on their partners.

The stereotype that only men cheat on their partners is not only false, but it perpetuates harmful gender norms. Research shows that both men and women are likely to cheat. When we perpetuate the stereotype that only men cheat, we not only stigmatize and shame men who have been cheated on, but we also ignore the experiences of women who have been cheated on by their partners. An article breaking down the demographics of cheating by the Institute for Family Studies found that although men are more likely than women to cheat, women are not too far behind. 20% of men and 13% of women reported having sex with someone other than their spouse while married. This suggests that infidelity is a gender-neutral issue that affects both sexes.

The outdated belief that men are the primary cheaters because their partners lose interest in sex has been debunked by science. Recent research indicates that women actually face more challenges with monogamy, as they tend to get bored in the bedroom and desire sexual variety. Some women suppress their desires, while others may turn to infidelity to fulfill their needs.

Anthropologist and author of “Untrue,” Wednesday Martin, describes this new research as “the great correction.” In her book, Martin interviewed numerous sociologists, sex researchers, and anthropologists, revealing a far different and more accurate picture of female infidelity. She challenges the commonly held notion that women lack a robust libido, stating that in reality, it is alive, well, and eagerly seeking satisfaction. (Get Martin’s book as a free pdf. download HERE)

“The new research is correcting false notions that women have lesser libidos, that women are more naturally monogamous, and that it’s easier for women to partner for life,” explains Martin. “Women don’t like sex less [than men] — but they do get bored of sexual sameness.”

Read the article source HERE 

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Myth 3: Infidelity always involves sex

FACT: Emotional infidelity, where a person becomes emotionally attached to someone else, can be just as damaging as physical infidelity.

One of the most prevalent myths surrounding infidelity is that it always involves sexual intercourse. However, this is not always the case. Emotional infidelity can occur when a person forms a deep, emotional connection with someone else that is outside of their current relationship. This can take many different forms, such as confiding in someone about personal issues, spending a significant amount of time with another person, or even just engaging in flirty or suggestive conversations. Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging to a relationship as physical infidelity, as it involves a breach of trust and can cause significant emotional pain for the partner who has been betrayed.

While physical infidelity often gets more attention and is generally more socially unacceptable, emotional infidelity can be just as devastating to a relationship. The betrayal of trust and emotional connection can cause long-lasting damage and create a sense of distance between partners that is difficult to overcome. In some cases, emotional infidelity can even be a precursor to physical infidelity, as the emotional connection may lead to a desire for physical intimacy with the other person. It is important for individuals in relationships to recognize that emotional infidelity is a real issue and to work to establish clear boundaries and expectations around what is and is not acceptable behavior in their relationship.

Myth 4: Infidelity is always a deliberate and planned act

FACT: Infidelity can occur in the heat of the moment, without prior planning or intent

When it comes to infidelity, most people picture an elaborate scheme with clandestine meetings, whispered phone calls, and secret rendezvous. But the truth is, infidelity can happen in the blink of an eye, without any planning or premeditation. Picture this: you’re at a work conference, and after a long day of seminars and networking, you find yourself at the hotel bar, unwinding with a drink. You strike up a conversation with a charming stranger, and before you know it, you’re flirting up a storm. The chemistry is electric, and before you know it, you’re in their hotel room, tangled up in the sheets. It was a heat-of-the-moment decision that you never saw coming, and now you’re left reeling with guilt and confusion.

The myth that infidelity is always a calculated and deliberate act is far from the truth. It paints a one-dimensional picture of cheaters as cold and calculating when in reality, anyone can be susceptible to temptation. Even the strongest intentions can be undermined by a moment of weakness, or an impulse decision, ultimately steering you towards the ominous path of cheating.

Myth 5: Infidelity only happens in long-term relationships

FACT: Infidelity can occur in relationships of any duration, including those that are just starting out.

It’s common to believe that cheating only happens in long-term relationships where the spark has fizzled out, but that is simply not true. Infidelity can happen in relationships of any length, including new ones.

The beginning stages of a relationship can be particularly vulnerable to infidelity, as partners are still getting to know each other and may not have established clear boundaries or expectations. It’s also the power struggle stage of the relationship as both parties seek to establish their self-identity within the context of the relationship. This period is marked by a push-and-pull dynamic, as each person navigates their individual needs and desires. Conflict and division may be prominent themes testing the integrity of the relationship and can increase the chances of either party seeking relief from an outside source.

Myth 6: Infidelity is always about the person who was cheated on not being enough

FACT: Infidelity is a complex issue that can have a variety of causes, including individual issues, relationship problems, and external factors.

The notion that if you’ve been cheated on, it’s because you weren’t pretty enough, smart enough, or interesting enough is just plain wrong.

Cheating is like the iceberg of relationships – what you see on the surface is just a tiny fraction of what’s going on beneath the water. Sure, it’s easy to assume that infidelity is just a matter of one person not being enough for the other, but that’s a gross oversimplification. Infidelity is often the result of a complex interplay of individual issues, relationship problems, and external factors. Maybe one partner is feeling neglected or unappreciated, while the other is struggling with their own personal demons. Perhaps the relationship has been on shaky ground for some time, and one partner is seeking validation or excitement elsewhere. Insecurity, low self-esteem, or even addiction could be muddying the waters and steering the love boat downstream. Common relationship issues may be at play such as lack of intimacy or communication, unresolved conflicts or stress, temptation, or even a sense of boredom can be lurking around the corner at any given moment.

Whatever the case may be, infidelity is rarely a simple matter of one person not being enough, and addressing underlying issues is more likely the first port of call.

Myth 7: Infidelity is always a deal-breaker

FACT: Many couples are able to work through infidelity and repair their relationship.

Infidelity can be a painful experience that can threaten the very foundation of a relationship. For many, it may seem like the ultimate deal-breaker, but that is not always the case. According to Shirley Glass, an expert in the field of infidelity, many couples are able to work through infidelity and repair their relationship. In fact, research has shown that a significant number of couples are able to rebuild their relationship and emerge stronger than before.

In her book “Not Just Friends,” Glass explains that “healing after an affair is possible if both partners are committed to the process and are willing to work through the emotional turmoil.” It won’t be an easy journey, but it is a journey that is worth taking for those who are invested in their relationship. Glass emphasizes the importance of understanding the root causes of the infidelity, creating a safe space for open and honest communication, and accountability, and forgiveness in the process of repairing a relationship after infidelity. Rebuilding trust through consistent actions and behaviors is also a fundamental part of the process.

While it is not a quick fix, with patience, commitment, and the guidance of a skilled therapist, or Coach a couple can emerge on the other side with a stronger bond and a deeper understanding of each other.

Wrapping Up!

The amount of information available on infidelity is vast, but it is likely just the tip of the iceberg compared to what remains unknown.
The scandalous reveal of Ashley Madison’s infidelity website, which got hacked back in 2015, is a prime example. Despite not closing the website down after highly sensitive data about its users were posted online and 32 million accounts were compromised, it has not slowed down business for 60 million people who are still hell-bent on cheating. This might suggest that infidelity is not just a rare or deviant behavior, but a widespread phenomenon that affects countless individuals and families.

However, it is still a complicated issue that cannot be reduced to simplistic or moralistic explanations. By dispelling these myths and challenging assumptions and exploring the nuances of this topic, you can gain a deeper understanding of why people cheat, how it affects relationships and society as a whole, and what you can do to prevent it.

Infidelity need not be the end rather it can be an opportunity for growth and renewal.

Couples Coaching – Yes Please!

If your relationship is just not working, needs a reset, or change in direction, or you want to take it to a whole new level, my Coaching Practice provides a safe space to help you create the relationship you desire. Take action now with Couples Coaching and develop relational skills to deepen intimacy, communication, and friendship. I use science-based tools and techniques to help identify your strengths and weaknesses and create an Action Plan for a more satisfying and fulfilling partnership. Imagine having more fun, sharing more of yourself, and strengthening your bond. Schedule a FREE, one-on-one, ‘Couple’s Relationship Strategy Session, and let’s work together to create the relationship of your dream! 😊

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With Grace and Gratitude

Michelle

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