Theory Isn’t Futile | Exploring the Complicated Dynamics of Infidelity

The notion of a strong relationship is often shattered by the cruel act of infidelity. Unfortunately, extramarital affairs have become so prevalent in our society that they almost go unnoticed. In Part 1 of this series, I discussed the societal factors that are beyond our control yet profoundly impact relationships and seemingly trivialize the sanctity of monogamy. Complicated dynamics

Despite the rise of alternative relationship models, the traditional marriage bond remains one of the most resilient and revered institutions in society. The monogamous union between a husband and wife serves as the cornerstone of family and societal values, making it a formidable force to be reckoned with. In this, my second installment on the intricate world of infidelity, we’ll delve into the various forms of affairs and examine the personality traits and characteristics that often drive individuals to engage in this treacherous behavior. Complicated dynamics

Diving into the theoretical aspect of affairs may seem futile, after all, isn’t cheating inherently unethical due to its deceitful and secretive nature? The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is often considered a foregone conclusion. However, exploring the different forms of infidelity and the psychology behind them is crucial in rebuilding a relationship after it has been impacted by cheating. My work focuses on both helping individuals recover and preventing affairs from occurring in the first place. Just like in other aspects of life, such as parenting, career, mental and physical wellness, spirituality, social connections, and emotional bonds, having a deeper understanding lays the foundation for resilience and growth. Complicated dynamics

The 7 Types of Affairs | Complicated dynamics

• Accidental Affair
• Intimacy/Conflict Avoidance Affair ((They avoid conflict at all costs)
• Philanderer Affair (Womanizer or Manizer)
• Entitlement Affair (Rockstars and Royalty)
• Split Self Affair or Romantic Affair (They are torn between their lover and spouse)
• Exit Affair (They already have one foot out of the door)
• Sexual Addiction Affair (Addicted to sex and cannot control their sexual urges)

Type 1: Accidental Affairs – also known as The One Night Stand 

The thrill of the moment. The forbidden fruit. The temporary escape. These are all elements that can lead to an accidental affair. Although they’re often referred to as one-night stands, not all accidental affairs happen in just one night. Complicated dynamics

While these trysts may seem unplanned and impulsive, they can stem from a deeper yearning for excitement or validation. The majority of people who engage in this type of affair are in happy relationships and never intended to cheat. But, when the stars align and temptation takes over, they find themselves in a steamy embrace with a stranger. Alcohol, drugs, and curiosity can play a role in their decision to cheat. Complicated dynamics

While one-night stands may happen with someone known, the majority of them involve a relative stranger. They can leave the adulterer feeling guilty and afraid of getting caught. Accidental affairs often stem from low self-esteem, as the attention and validation from the fling serve as a temporary validation boost.

For some, the temptation of the unknown is too great to resist. Those who married young or had limited sexual experiences may be curious about what else is out there. But these impulsive decisions can lead to dangerous territory, as the affair can quickly become a pattern of behavior. The risk of bringing STDs back to one’s spouse is also a major concern.

Why this affair happens | Complicated dynamics

Many affairs are the result of a confluence of events and a lack of understanding about how they can unfold. Poor or missing boundaries also play a role in the affair scenario. It all starts innocently enough, with two people brought together by circumstance and without any initial attraction or intention of pursuing a relationship. Complicated dynamics

However, things can quickly escalate when alcohol, a change in circumstances, or even a shared passion brings people together and creates an emotional connection. This can be especially dangerous when business trips involve “off-line” meetings in private spaces, like a quiet restaurant or motel room.

As the relationship develops, the pleasure centers in the brain become activated, providing a reward that can be addictive. Suddenly, two people who never intended to be anything more than colleagues can find themselves falling in love, with the bond becoming increasingly irresistible.

The affair isn’t a deliberate choice but rather it is situational and spirals out of control. Whether it’s a one-night stand fueled by lust or a deeper connection born from emotional intimacy, it all starts as an accident and can end up overwhelming. Complicated dynamics

Learn about the 7 Predictors of Divorce in my video to safeguard your relationship!

Type 2: Intimacy/Conflict Avoidance Affair | Complicated dynamics

There are two types of Avoidance Affairs:

• Intimacy Avoidance
• Conflict Avoidance

INTIMACY AVOIDANCE FEATURES

Intimacy Avoiders are scared of opening up and letting someone in. They avoid intimacy out of fear; fear of being hurt, fear of commitment, and fear of being vulnerable with another person. Intimacy avoidance may be a result of unresolved trauma, past hurts, or simply an unwillingness to share certain parts of themselves with their partner. Whatever the reason, it ultimately leads to feelings of disconnection and a lack of emotional closeness in a relationship. Complicated dynamics

The modus operandi of an Intimacy Avoider is to protect themselves and so they create distance through constant conflict and extramarital affairs. Instead of forming a deep emotional bond, their relationship is defined by heated arguments and infidelity. It is not uncommon for both partners in the relationship dynamic to become involved in an affair.

Characterized by:

• Avoidance of intimacy
• A feeling of safety due to the predictability of the relationship
• Efficiency dynamic
• Equality between both partners
• Critical and hurtful comments
• Bickering and open conflict

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CONFLICT AVOIDANCE FEATURES

Conflict avoiders are often considered nice, but this demeanor is rooted in fear. They are afraid of not being nice as they believe that conflicts may result in abandonment or loss of control. Consequently, they lack the necessary skills to assert themselves or to express their feelings openly and address problems in the relationships. This often leads to unresolved differences and eventually erodes the marriage. Lack of spontaneity and true connectedness is a running theme in the relationship dynamic. Conflict Avoiders may have affairs, but the relationship with the affair partner is more superficial.

Characterized by:

• Predictable in the relationship
• Lack of spontaneity and connectedness
• Dull and bland existence
• Separate lives, activities, interests
• Dominant control over an obedient partner

The conflict-avoider’s affair serves as a means to demand attention from the spouse. When couples are unable to openly communicate their differences and frustrations, an affair may be used as a means of breaking free from a facade of superficial peace. The person responsible for the affair is often the more unhappy spouse, and once the infidelity is discovered, the issues within the marriage are brought to the surface. This pattern can unfortunately repeat itself in future relationships.

Why this affair happen | Complicated dynamics

1. Lack of intimacy and emotional connection in the relationship
2. Searching for excitement and novelty
3. Unmet needs and desires
4. Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations
5. Feelings of loneliness, boredom, or dissatisfaction
6. A desire for validation or attention from someone outside of the relationship
7. Difficulty expressing emotions or addressing personal issues
8. A sense of inadequacy and need for affirmation from someone else
9. A desire to escape from stress, responsibilities, or problems in the relationship or life in general
10. Inability to resist temptation or impulses

Couples often find themselves grappling with the disappointment that often arises in marriage once the honeymoon phase has ended. Despite their expectations that tying the knot would bring them a sense of completeness, some find that marriage hasn’t lived up to their hopes. For fear of causing harm to the relationship, they remain silent about their discomfort and choose to ignore it, rather than delving deeper and working to resolve their issues. Complicated dynamics

In an effort to maintain the illusion of emotional stability, couples opt for a peaceful existence, sidestepping any conflicts that show up. But this denial of reality is a fragile foundation, and when one partner strays, it becomes clear that the underlying issues in the marriage can no longer be ignored.

TYPE 3: PHILANDERER AFFAIRS

Often called a ‘sexist player’, ‘womanizer’, or ‘Casanova’, the philanderer’s affairs at the core, are ego-driven acts of self-preservation, often born out of fear. As hard as it is to believe, this behavior has little to do with the woman they’re cheating on and more to do with protecting the fragile “self” from inner demons. In other words, when a man engages in serial philandering, he is not doing so because his wife is unattractive or inadequate. Rather, he does so as a coping mechanism for feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. To him being desired by many serves as reassurance that he has value — something all humans have an innate desire for — and thus builds up his ego. In reality, though, all it does is perpetuate the cycle of bad decisions which can lead to dire consequences for both parties involved.

AFFAIR TYPE OVERVIEW

• The affair partners are merely conquests without any emotional attachment
• Require a steady change of sexual partners
• Sexist attitudes toward women – believing that women exist to serve men
• There is no guilt, shame, or remorse for the affairs
• Inner insecurity expressed as outward bravado or large ego
• Obsessed with gender – not gender equity
• Does not believe in monogamy
• Seduction is a part of their game
• Married philanderers may be bisexual and lead a highly promiscuous sex life
• They will not be forced or controlled
• Highly manipulative. Habitual liar
• Humiliation does not come from the discovery of an affair, but from the change in the power dynamics of the relationship
• They don’t want to divorce, preferring to attempt to “fix” their partner so they can resume their philandering ways

Philandering is an addictive behavior and without a strong desire to change the behavior is likely to continue. Complicated dynamics

About The Philanderer | Complicated dynamics

A philanderer is someone who engages in multiple, casual sexual relationships. The word “phil” in philanderer means “love,” but this love is not typically genuine or long-lasting. The philanderer is often portrayed as a womanizer, constantly seeking new partners and unable to settle down.

Their forbidden love may go undetected for years as they are skilled at leading double lives as devoted husbands. But their hidden escapades can also lead to devastating personal and professional consequences, as a result of their constant pursuit of risky behavior. Complicated dynamics

It’s confusing for many women – these unfaithful men often believe they are truly devoted to their wives, maintaining the illusion of a happy marriage even as they secretly indulge in extramarital affairs.

The ability to compartmentalize their life makes it easier for the philanderer to continue the deceit until the truth finally catches up with them. The reasons behind this behavior are often complex and deeply personal and can vary greatly from person to person, despite the surface-level similarities. Complicated dynamics

The family of origin can often offer insight into the source of the philanderer’s behavior. He may view masculinity as a means of avoiding female control, either because his father was successful in doing so through cheating, withdrawing, or pursuing other women, or because he wished to but was unable. Complicated dynamics

He desires women to serve him as a means of asserting his masculinity and dominance, which he believes leads to safety and happiness. Consequently, he does not consider women to be his equals, an attitude that may be reinforced by his subservient and oppressed mother who was powerless to change the power dynamic in her own relationship.

The daughters of philandering fathers, who view them differently from other women, may also become philanders themselves. They may have been hurt by a cheating spouse and use seduction and humiliation as a way to seek revenge on men.

Philandering women may engage in affairs with married men and become the “other woman,” causing harm to other relationships. They use sex as a tool for manipulation. Complicated dynamics

Why This Affair Happens

Successful men often believe they’ve earned the right to revel in the spoils of their hard-earned success, including taking advantage of adoring women. The age-old tale of the mighty man with a beautiful companion at his side is supported by research that highlights men’s attraction to beauty and youth, while women are drawn to power and wealth. Complicated dynamics

These influential figures are drawn to the thrill of winning over gorgeous women who once looked down on them when they were inexperienced and still climbing the ladder of success. Infidelity is a shameful tradition passed down in families like the Kennedys, where men lead double lives as devoted partners and unfaithful lovers, and women remained by their side.

When caught in the act of betrayal a philanderer will try to diminish the impact of the infidelities by minimizing their emotional involvement. They might say, something like ‘she meant nothing.’ ‘It was just sex, she isn’t even that attractive,’ ‘it’s not that much of a big deal,’ seemingly oblivious to the pain and devastation their actions have caused. Complicated dynamics

Before the crackdown on sexual harassment, some industries were notorious for promoting infidelity as a standard practice, even going as far as providing women for hire at conventions, and turning a blind eye to the immoral behavior of married men.

Characteristics of the betrayed spouse | Complicated dynamics

• Emotional and romantic nature
• Submissive
• Desiring an attractive and feminine appearance
• Drawn to accomplished males
• Experiences feelings of inadequacy, solitude, anxiety, and stress
• Has knowingly or unconsciously disregarded infidelity for a prolonged period

These women stand out for their well-polished social skills and talents. They are often popular and seductive, and most certainly attractive. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis infamously checked all of the boxes and more. However, relationships with these types of men can be emotionally abusive, causing feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and shame. Some women may ignore the signs and choose to remain in the relationship, as acknowledging the truth means accepting the failure of the relationship and all that it holds precious.

Marital issues will arise if she tries to assert her authority. The philanderer will not tolerate equality or intimacy in the relationship and has no desire to be understood by his spouse or to be perceived as under her control.

Stay Tuned!

With an understanding of different affair types (Accidental, Intimacy/Conflict Avoidance, and Philanderer) and their traits, you’re equipped to identify warning signs in your own relationship. Bear in mind the traits and characteristics that describe a particular affair type are typical but not definite and the list is by no means not exhaustive. Look forward to next week’s blog post where the remaining affairs – Entitlement Affair, Split Self/Romantic Affair, Exit Affair, and Sexual Addiction Affair – will be discussed in depth.

Couples Coaching | Complicated dynamics

You dreamed of sharing your life with that special person and live happily ever after. But somewhere along the road, your relationship changed. The connection, communication, and laughter began to fade. Commitment and trust came into question. Loneliness became a stark reality. Your once best friend is now distant and detached.

If this sounds like your relationship…we should talk! Schedule a FREE one-on-one Relationship Strategy Session with me today!

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With Grace and Gratitude

Michelle

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