Horrible Statistics | Couples Guide

The infidelity statistics are devastating and hit close to home for many. Recent studies show that a staggering 20-40% of married men and 20-25% of married women in the US will engage in extramarital affairs during their lifetime. The NCBI study uncovered that nearly a quarter of men (23.2%) and 19.2% of women have “cheated” in their current relationships. Couples Guide

Infidelity not only shakes the foundation of trust in a relationship but also triggers a tumultuous storm of emotions for all parties involved. The aftermath of an affair can leave deep, lasting scars and test the resilience of the relationship, not just in the present, but for years to come. The impact is even more profound when children are part of the equation. Couples Guide

Infidelity is mentally, emotionally, and physically painful to the betrayed spouse. Be gentle with yourself as you heal. ~ Dr. Karen Finn

Join me on a tantalizing journey as we delve into the complex world of infidelity in this mini-series. We’ll kick off our exploration by examining the concept of monogamy and uncovering its many facets. I’ll challenge you with thought-provoking questions, dispel common misconceptions, and demystify the different types of infidelity. By the end of this series, you’ll have a deeper understanding of the psychological drivers behind infidelity and how to protect your own marriage from its devastating consequences. Plus I’ll share the most profound lesson of all: Not only can couples survive an affair but with the right intervention, support, guidance, and commitment your relationship can grow even stronger. Couples Guide

Monogamy | Couples Guide

Do you remember the days when life appeared to be far less complicated? Dating was simple – you met someone you liked, got to know them over time, and the goal was to form a committed relationship. Marriage was the ultimate goal; even if it wasn’t always perfect, you and your partner worked through tough times together.

Fast-forward to today and the relationship culture has changed dramatically and it’s more accurate to describe relationships as anything BUT strictly monogamous. Couples Guide

The debate surrounding monogamy is divided into two opposing viewpoints. One side believes that human beings are naturally monogamous, while the other argues that this is a rare occurrence in the animal kingdom. Only a small percentage of species, such as foxes, gibbons, beavers, and some birds, engage in monogamous relationships. However, some anthropologists, led by Dr. Fisher, argue that humans belong to the 3% of mammals that are predisposed to monogamy and are investigating the existence of a “monogamy gene. Couples Guide

The debate on whether humans are naturally monogamous persists, leaving the question of whether it’s feasible or practical to remain faithful to one person throughout a marriage. And what obstacles stand in the way of doing so. 

To address this query, let’s examine some commonly-held myths and misconceptions about monogamy, beginning with the notion that: Couples Guide

MYTH 1: Most People Are Monogamous | Couples Guide

The idea that most people are naturally monogamous is a widely perpetuated myth. In reality, humans have a complex and diverse range of sexual behaviors, and there is evidence from both biology and culture to suggest that non-monogamy is common and normal. Studies have shown that many species of animals, including primates, engage in non-monogamous sexual behavior, and that human societies throughout history have practiced various forms of non-monogamy. Additionally, surveys of modern societies have found that a significant percentage of people have engaged in some form of non-monogamous behavior. The idea that most people are naturally monogamous is a cultural construct, and it is important to broaden society’s understanding of relationships, and the complexity and range of emotions and attachments we experience throughout life. Couples Guide

Believing that most marriages are solely monogamous can have severe consequences. If an affair occurs, it’s often seen as a complete failure of the individual, their spouse, and the marriage. This myth can cause immense feelings of personal blame, shame, wounded pride, and devastating emotions. Understanding that affairs are more common does not justify them but can reduce the shame and inadequacy felt by those affected. Hiding the experience only exacerbates these feelings and hinders the chances of full recovery, regardless of the outcome of the marriage. The key to overcoming this situation or avoiding it altogether is facing reality and letting go of the myth.

MYTH 2: Monogamy means your partner should meet all of your needs | Couples Guide

Monogamous relationships are often romanticized and idealized by mainstream media way beyond what is realistically achievable. We need to accept that it’s not only okay but necessary, to seek external support from family members or friends in order to promote a healthier relationship dynamic. Having one person meet all your needs can be an impossible task, and places unrealistic expectations and excessive burdens on the person or the relationship. Recognizing your partner cannot fulfill all of your needs doesn’t compromise the monogamous dynamic. Building a supportive network within your community can ease the pressure on romantic partners. It’s acceptable to seek support from friends, family, or a Couples Coach and to rely on others. A romantic partner can offer love, comfort, and a safe haven, but should not be your sole source of support. Couples Guide

Myth 3: You can ‘assume’ monogamy when you get married

Many people mistakenly believe that simply exchanging vows will ensure a lifetime of monogamy in marriage. This false belief, compounded by societal pressure to be monogamous, creates a false sense of security and neglects the importance of continual communication to sustain a successful monogamous relationship. Maintaining monogamy is not a one-time effort, but a daily commitment, much like taking your daily blood pressure bill that has dire consequences to your health if you miss one.

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MYTH 4: Monogamy is largely “supported” by society

Society tends to pay lip service to monogamy, yet at the same time, it supports and encourages affairs through several societal factors. While individual responsibility should not be ignored, it’s important to acknowledge the social context that surrounds affairs. These include media glorification of affairs, a sex-saturated culture, a culture of secrecy surrounding affairs, and a lack of open and honest discussions about sex in families. As a result, children learn to associate sex with secrecy and carry this learned pattern of deception into their adult relationships, potentially leading to affairs.

Despite the challenges faced by monogamous relationships, they remain a crucial social norm and play a vital role in family life. Most people still view monogamy as important and desirable in marriage. Surveys consistently show that a large percentage of individuals consider monogamy to be a fundamental aspect of marriage and consider infidelity unacceptable.

Though monogamy may be considered a desirable ideal, it is not enough to stop a significant number of people from engaging in extramarital affairs. To mitigate this, there must be increased awareness of how to avoid affairs and greater responsibility and honesty among couples and society as a whole, to maintain the commitment to monogamy.

At the very least, a conversation about affairs must contend with subtle hypocrisy: we may selectively castigate those who participate in them even as many of us simultaneously skirt our own moral boundaries. This uncomfortable truth motivated by conviction and justification (to varying degrees) keeps affairs alive, partly due to the undeniable emotional gratification that comes from having a powerful “forbidden” relationship. And what about the hypocrisy of those not involved in an affair? On one hand, they express disapproval of affairs, but on the other hand, indirectly support a culture of affairs as it plays out as follows :

1. TV dramas often depict extra-marital affairs as ‘forbidden love’ that is ultimately accepted and celebrated by the characters’ peers.

2. Reality shows tend to sensationalize romantic entanglements between married individuals, with a focus on creating drama and entertainment rather than recognizing the complicated nature of extramarital relationships.

3. Novels have made immorality and adultery seem glamorous, even when the consequences are dire within the story.

4. Movies often present a one-dimensional view of infidelity, portraying it as a bold act of passion rather than a sign of disrespect toward one’s partner or spouse.

5. Social media fuels the desire to be admired by presenting idealized versions of romance and glamorizing people’s “perfect” relationships, leading many people to seek out thrills outside their marriages.

And Not Just Sex in the City – It’s Everywhere!

Our culture has been shaped by a pervasive presence of sexual content, with messages about sex found in all aspects of life. From billboards to music playlists and television shows to magazines, it’s hard not to see the influence that sexual innuendos or explicit lyrics have on our day-to-day life. Even children’s products can be marketed using sexually suggestive ideas; thus underscoring how deeply interwoven sexuality is in today’s society – making escaping its messaging difficult though not impossible, depending on your awareness and individual participation. 

So Is Monogamy An Unrealistic Goal For Most Marriages?

Monogamy is a societal norm that has been upheld for centuries, but whether it is an unrealistic goal for most marriages depends on your perspective. Many marriages begin with the intention of being monogamous, and research shows that the majority of couples stay faithful to each other throughout their marriage. However, infidelity can loom in the background of many relationships, and some experts argue that the human brain is wired for non-monogamous behavior, making it a challenging goal to achieve in practice.

Ultimately, the answer to the question of whether monogamy is an unrealistic goal depends on you and the effort you are willing to put into maintaining a monogamous relationship. Being open and honest about your needs and desires, and making a genuine commitment to working through any challenges that may arise, gives you a better chance of maintaining a monogamous relationship. Open and honest dialogue includes conversations about your attraction to others, which is natural and inevitable. By discussing these temptations, you can work together to manage them, instead of letting fantasies grow unchecked. This approach may seem risky, but the greater risk is in not having such discussions.  Couples who struggle with communication or have differing views on the importance of monogamy will have much more of a difficult time achieving it.

With a better understanding of the myths and realities of monogamy, including the effort required for a successful monogamous relationship, you are more equipped for the challenges of a long-lasting partnership. In the next segment, we will examine various types of infidelity and consider factors such as who engages in affairs, the reasons for having them, and their prevalence in today’s society. 

Brace yourselves for part 2 of this scintillating series on the topic of infidelity…coming next week!

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Michelle

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