Buckle Up!

 In the first installment of this series, I explored the societal factors that significantly impact relationships, and seemingly undermine the importance of monogamy. In part 2, I outlined three types of affairs and probed into their distinct traits and characteristics. 

Get ready to dive back into the scandalous world of infidelity in part 3 of this captivating series! We’re about to uncover 4 more affair types that you absolutely need to know about. Whether you’re browsing the aisles of the grocery store or working out at the gym, these affair types could be lurking around any corner. And if that’s not enough to pique your curiosity, imagine discovering the person sleeping next to you for years has been hiding these traits! So buckle up and get ready for an exhilarating ride as we explore the Entitlement Affair, Split Self/Romantic Affair, Exit Affair, and Sexual Addiction Affair.

Affairs Don’t Happen in a Vacuum

Infidelity is a ruthless heartbreak that destroys families, shatters trust, and leaves you in a deeply traumatized state. It’s been called the ultimate betrayal and for good reason. The aftermath of an affair can stir up intense feelings of anger and disgust, cause agonizing and obsessive thoughts, and result in vengeful actions that are outside of a person’s normal character. There is no betrayal more piercing or desparing than infidelity.

Reviving your marriage after an affair may seem like an insurmountable challenge, but not only is it possible, the truth is, it can lead to an even stronger bond between you and your partner. While it’s understandable to feel anger and blame your spouse at first, the key to saving your relationship is to work through the infidelity together. By examining the deeper relationship issues, you can gain a better understanding of what went wrong and why. Keep in mind that affairs don’t occur in a vacuum, and it’s important for both partners to take responsibility and be open to self-reflection. With this approach, there’s a real chance for healing and growth, leading to a rock-solid foundation for a lasting and unbreakable connection.

Learning and understanding are vital steps in life, but it is absolutely crucial when it comes to mending a relationship shattered by infidelity. This series takes you on a journey beyond just theory. It expands your mind and helps you grasp the intricate and nuanced layers of affairs. By the end of it, you’ll be equipped with the tools you need to face the heartache head-on and come out on the other side, stronger and more resilient. With that said let’s look at the affair types.

type 4: Entitlement Affair

Entitlement Affairs, also known as Celebrity, Royalty, or Revenge Affairs, are a complex phenomenon driven by a multitude of factors. At the heart is a person’s attempt to fill an inner void, to quench a thirst for something that is missing in their lives. However, this quest for fulfillment is often fueled by a dangerous and all-consuming force: narcissism.

The individual in an Entitlement Affair is driven by a sense of entitlement, a belief that they are entitled to whatever they desire, no matter the cost. This sense of entitlement can lead to a dangerous spiral of manipulation, deceit, and self-indulgence. The desire for power, prestige, and control becomes all-consuming, and the person is willing to do whatever it takes to maintain their position of power. The end result is often a tangled web of lies and broken hearts, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Entitlement Affairs are a cautionary tale of the dangers of unchecked ego and the importance of self-reflection and self-awareness.

“I should not be limited, as I deserve whatever I choose.”

About the Cheating Partner

The cheating partner is not only attractive and charming but also highly successful and influential. They have a magnetic personality that draws people to them, and their professional pursuits often take center stage in their lives, leaving their family and loved ones in the shadows.

These individuals exude confidence and a sense of superiority, making it easy for them to justify their infidelity, never considering the emotional toll it takes on their partners. The thrill of the chase and the excitement of being with someone new often become more important to them than the love and commitment they’ve made to their partner.

The success and influence of those in an Entitlement Affair often lead to long hours at work, business trips, and an endless stream of social engagements. Couples who are affected by the Entitlement Affair often lead separate lives, with one partner focused on their career and the other left to tend to the home and family. The lack of emotional connection and intimacy can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment, further exacerbating the problem.

The issues in the marriage are deeply rooted in the psychology of the person having an Enttiltment Affair. They often stem from a history of feeling neglected, undervalued, or unappreciated in their childhood or past relationships. However, the sense of entitlement is very deep and often leads to a sense of superiority and disregard for the feelings and needs of their partner. They may believe that their own happiness and satisfaction are more important than that of their partner, and may be unwilling to make compromises or sacrifices in order to maintain a healthy and loving relationship.

The underlying issues in an entitlement affair must be explored with the help and support of a therapist or Couples Coach as there are complex psychological layers involved. Without professional support, this type of marriage is doomed to fail.

Type 5: Split Self/Romantic Affair

Imagine a life where you’ve spent years in a committed relationship, raising a family, and dedicating all your time and energy to being the “perfect” parent. You’ve put your own desires and needs aside to ensure that your children are happy and well-cared for. But what happens when you wake up one day and realize that you’re not as happy as you once were? That you’ve been neglecting your own desires and dreams for so long that you’ve almost forgotten what they are?

This is where the split self/romantic affair comes in. It’s a term used to describe the experience of feeling torn between the commitment to the family and the desire to pursue one’s own romantic or sexual interests outside of the marriage. It’s often associated with middle age and the feeling of being “stuck” in a routine, which can lead to a crisis of identity and a desire to explore new experiences. In this affair type, the marriage feels empty.

About the Romantic Affair

Romantic affairs are like a wild rollercoaster ride, full of exhilarating highs and heart-pounding lows. Out of all the different kinds of affairs, there’s nothing quite as intense as falling head over heels for someone who isn’t your spouse. It’s a dangerous game of love that can leave you feeling completely out of control.

Your entangled affair is often a temptation you simply can’t resist – they may be much younger or older, someone with problems that make your own look small in comparison, or someone whose thrilling lifestyle seems like the missing puzzle piece in your own mundane life.

The Split Selves have each put their own feelings and needs on the back burner to care for others and their family. But unfortunately, this selfless approach has taken its toll on one of them. The struggle to suppress their own desires has led to a passionate, long-term affair. Rather than facing their inner conflict, this spouse is now forced to choose between their loyal but unfulfilling marriage or their intense, forbidden lover.

It is common for the split-self” affair, to live a double life, enjoying the comfort and appearance of a long-term marriage while simultaneously indulging in the excitement of a mistress, maybe even another family.

Sadly, this kind of affair rarely has a positive outcome. The prognosis for resolving the issues that arise from this type of affair is typically poor and divorce is likely.

Why The Affair Happened

It’s the classic tale of a middle-aged man who’s been married for what feels like an eternity, and yet, something’s missing. He’s longed for a connection, an emotional tie that he’s been craving, but never found it. The split self-affair is his attempt to finally experience the emotions that have been denied to him for so long.

For years, these men have considered themselves family men, but the truth is, they’ve never had a true emotional bond with their wives. Maybe they got married for the sake of security or status, or to escape an undesirable environment. Perhaps they were trying to legitimize a child that was already on the way or just following the path they believed they should. Love wasn’t part of the equation, it was all about making the marriage work.

Their personal needs were pushed aside, tucked away out of sight while they worked tirelessly to make their families conform to their vision of what a family should be.

Learn about the 6 Predictors of Marital Success in my YouTube video and How To Build Skills To Safeguard Your Relationship. Get it HERE

Type 6: Exit Affair AKA ‘Out The Door’ Affair

One of the most devastating is the exit affair, also known as the ‘out-the-door’ affair as it often signals the end of the relationship. This type of affair occurs when one partner in a relationship has decided that they want out, and instead of being honest and upfront about it, they begin a relationship with someone else as a way of pushing their current partner to end things.

‘Exiters’ are cleverly disguised as Conflict Avoiders. They are notorious for their knack of avoiding conflict and sweeping problems under the rug instead of confronting them head-on. They are a classic case of “out of sight, out of mind. These conflict-averse individuals. would rather create an entirely new betrayal situation, rather than face the issues that exist within the marriage.   

More often than not, the other partner ends up shouldering the blame for the affair. They’re so caught up in the hurt and betrayal of their partner’s infidelity and focused solely on the affair, rather than taking a good, hard look at the bigger picture and the factors that led to the betrayal.

AFFAIR TYPE OVERVIEW

• There has been a longstanding buildup of tension and resentment in the relationship, possibly stemming from early on in the marriage.
• A reluctance on both sides to address each other’s needs or to communicate effectively about those needs
• It’s not uncommon for the absence of conflict to be misinterpreted as a sign that everything is okay, when in fact, there are many underlying issues that need to be addressed
• Although staying in the relationship would be intolerable, the thought of leaving can bring about feelings of guilt
• Relationships formed with a lover in such situations are usually terminated very shortly after the original relationship comes to an end. The unsuspecting lover’s role helped the unfaithful spouse break free from the pain of the marriage. After leaving they may spend years alone, evading any commitment and the possibility of being “trapped”

Why The Affair Happened

This kind of affair is usually a culmination of prolonged discontent and dissatisfaction that has finally reached its tipping point. It may be marked by a significant event such as the children going off to college, retirement, or a partner deciding to come out of the closet.

Other Factors Summariazed:

• Emotional disconnection or dissatisfaction with the current relationship
• Feeling trapped or stuck
• Fear of confrontation or difficult conversations
• Midlife crisis or major life transition
• Prolonged unhappiness

The seeds of the affair are planted long before it ever comes to fruition, as the ‘Exiter’ considers their options and carefully plots their next move. They endure their marriage, biding their time until the right moment presents itself. When that moment finally arrives, they are quick to justify their actions, declaring that they’ve been contemplating the decision for years.

The thought of ending the marriage has been brewing in the mind of the exit affair partner for years, leaving little hope for its survival. It’s possible that this partner emotionally checked out a while ago and has no interest in repairing the marriage. Even with the assistance of a professional, unless both parties are willing to work towards reconciliation, the chances of restoring the relationship after an exit affair are minimal.

TYPE 7: Sexual Addiction Affair

Sex addiction, also known as hypersexuality, is a term used to describe a condition in which an individual engages in sexual behaviors that feel out of control and may have negative consequences. It is not recognized as a formal diagnosis in the DSM-5, (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) but it is a topic of much debate among mental health professionals. People with sex addiction often engage in compulsive sexual behaviors, such as excessive masturbation, heavy pornography use, or multiple sexual partners. These behaviors can interfere with their daily life, relationships, and overall well-being.

The causes of sex addiction are not fully understood, but research suggests that both biological and environmental factors may play a role. Some studies have found that individuals with sex addiction may have differences in brain structure or function compared to those without the condition. Others suggest that traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse, may contribute to the development of sex addiction. Additionally, social and cultural factors, such as easy access to pornography and societal norms around sexuality, may also contribute to the development of sex addiction.

While sex addiction is not a formal diagnosis, it is recognized by some mental health professionals as a legitimate issue that requires treatment. Treatment for sex addiction may involve a combination of therapies, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, individual and group therapy, and medication. The goal of treatment is to help individuals learn to control their sexual behaviors and improve their overall well-being.

It is important to note that not all individuals who engage in frequent sexual behavior or use pornography are sex addicts. Sex addiction is diagnosed when these behaviors become compulsive, out of control, and interfere with daily life. It is also important to understand that sex addiction is not a moral failing or a lack of willpower, but rather a medical condition that requires proper diagnosis and treatment.

One of the challenges of treating sex addiction is that it can be difficult for individuals to acknowledge and seek help for their condition. Many people with sex addiction feel shame and embarrassment about their behaviors and may be reluctant to share their struggles with others. This can make it challenging for mental health professionals to accurately diagnose and treat the condition.

Sex addiction is a controversial and not universally recognized diagnosis, and many mental health professionals prefer the term “compulsive sexual behavior” instead. Additionally, there is no single set of definitive traits or behaviors that indicate a person is a sex addict or has compulsive sexual behavior. That said, here are some potential characteristics that may be associated with a sex addict or someone with compulsive sexual behavior:

• Preoccupation with sex or sexual
• Excessive pornography and/or masturbation, objectification of partner
• Difficulty controlling sexual urges or impulses
• Engaging in sexual behaviors to a degree that is personally distressing or harmful to one’s relationships, work, or daily life
• Continually increasing the frequency or intensity of sexual behaviors to achieve the same level of arousal or satisfaction
• Feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment about sexual behaviors, but still unable to stop or reduce them
• Using sex as a way to cope with stress, anxiety, or negative emotions
• Engaging in risky sexual behaviors, such as unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners or prostitutes, “one-night stands, rub & tug” parlors, strip clubs, cybersex, phone sex
• Prioritizing sexual activities over other important aspects of life, such as work, family, or social activities
• Difficulty forming and maintaining intimate relationships that are not solely focused on sexual activities
• Experiencing withdrawal symptoms, such as irritability or depression, when unable to engage in sexual activities

SEX ADDICTS PROFILE

Characteristics of Individuals with Sex Addiction:

• Manipulative – Frequently resorts to dishonesty, deception, and lies to satisfy their urges
• Exhibits signs of an avoidant attachment style and typically lacks any significant emotional connection with their sexual partner
• In cases where an emotional bond exists, it fades away swiftly
• The emphasis is entirely on physical gratification, and the other party is often in a subservient role.
• They derive pleasure from the pursuit of sexual conquests

Therapists maintain that sexual addiction is similar to alcoholism. Donna R. Bellafiore, MSW, LCSW, refers to sexual addiction as a brain disease that must be controlled through a 12­-step program. “A sexual addict may want to stop the behavior but is unable to do so”, she says, “even when the behavior contradicts his or her own value system.”

Beneath the surface of addictive behavior lies a deep sense of toxic shame. Children who grow up with their emotional needs neglected often learn to suppress their own feelings, adopting behaviors aimed at avoiding rejection.

Toxic shame is an overwhelming feeling that demands concealment, a false persona. Since one believes their true self is flawed and inadequate, they create a false self that is perfect and faultless. When one assumes this false identity, their true self vanishes.

The compulsion to seek out sexual encounters is an attempt to evade the pain of inner emptiness. Addicts rationalize their actions in much the same way as alcoholics or drug users do, remaining oblivious to the potential risks and the impact their behavior may have on others.

Sex Addiction Cycle

• Trigger: The cycle begins with a trigger, which can be any internal or external stimulus that prompts the individual to seek out sexual behaviors. Triggers can include stress, boredom, anxiety, or exposure to sexual content
• Preoccupation: Once the trigger occurs, the individual becomes preoccupied with the idea of engaging in sexual behavior. This can involve persistent thoughts, fantasies, or urges related to sex
• Ritualization: The preoccupation leads to the development of rituals or routines associated with engaging in sexual behavior. These can include seeking out specific types of pornography, visiting certain websites or physical locations, or engaging in specific sexual fantasies or behaviors
• Acting out: The individual engages in the sexual act, which can include masturbation, sex with a partner, or other sexual activities. This provides temporary relief from the preoccupation and urges
• Despair: After the sexual behavior is complete, the individual often experiences feelings of guilt, shame, and despair. They may feel regret or disgust with themselves and their behavior
• Consequence: The sexual behavior can lead to negative consequences, such as relationship problems, financial issues, legal troubles, or physical or emotional harm
• Shame and guilt: The individual experiences shame and guilt, which can lead to an increased desire to engage in sexual behavior as a means of coping with these negative feelings
• Repeat: The cycle begins again, with the individual seeking out new

It’s important to note that not all individuals who engage in sexual behavior experience a sex addiction cycle, and that the cycle can vary in length and intensity depending on the individual and their specific circumstances.

Profile of Betrayed Spouse

• Co-dependency
• Tolerates inappropriate actions for an extended period
• Maintains a composed demeanor in public
• Leads relatively detached lifestyles from their significant other
• Tends to conceal or justify their partner’s infidelity

Recovering from the impact of a partner’s sexual addiction can be a challenging and complex process that requires a great deal of effort and commitment from both partners. While it is possible for a marriage to recover from the effects of sexual addiction, the success of this recovery largely depends on a number of factors, including the severity of the addiction, the willingness of the addicted partner to seek help and work on their recovery, and the level of support and understanding from the non-addicted partner. It will take time and effort to rebuild trust and intimacy in the relationship. However, with the right support, commitment, and professional help, it is possible to recover and move towards a healthier and more fulfilling future together.

After exploring the 7 types of affairs in this series, I hope that you are feeling informed and confident in your ability to recognize red flags in your own romantic partnership. The unpredictability of life means that even the strongest of relationships may be susceptible to outside influences. That’s why knowledge is so crucial. Armed with the right information, you’ll be well-equipped to safeguard your marriage against the threat of an affair. Remember, prevention is always better than cure. Stay tuned for part 4 as we continue to lift the lid on the Complicated Dynamics of Infidelity! Thanks for being part of the journey! 😊 Enjoy this free Coaching Tool to see how well you know your partner! It’s a great friendship builder!

Work With Me

Are you and your partner struggling to communicate effectively, feeling disconnected, or stuck in negative patterns? Why not schedule a free Relationship Strategy Session with me? As a professional Couples Coach, I can help you navigate through these challenges and create a more fulfilling relationship. During our coaching sessions, we’ll work together to identify the root causes of your relationship issues and develop a personalized plan to overcome them. Whether you’re looking to reignite the spark in your relationship, deepen your emotional connection, or simply learn new tools to navigate conflict, I’m here to support you every step of the way. Move closer to a happier and healthier relationship, Schedule a FREE one-on-one Relationship Strategy Session with me today! I truly believe that with the right guidance and support, any couple can create the loving, fulfilling relationship they desire.

Thanks once again for reading my blog, share if you care! 😊 Connect with me on Social Media where I post new exciting and inspirational content every day!

With Grace and Gratitude

Michelle

FREE COACHING RESOURCES

and weekly inspiration