Going Through The Motions

There was nothing particularly different about this dreary midwinter morning. The weather outside was cold and frigid and as I looked at Matthew across the dinner table, my husband of over 20 years, I couldn’t help compare the temperature outside with that of my very own marriage.

‘Could you hand me the gravy please Cathy’ he asked politely, and as I’ve done probably a hundred times before, I replied, ‘sure honey’ and proceeded somewhat dispassionately to pour gravy onto of his mash potatoes, some on the side and a smidgen on top, just the way he likes it. I slumped back in my chair and let out a heavy sigh which pretty much went unnoticed.

The rest of the evening followed almost the exact same routine as the last 3-years. Matthew clearing up the table and putting the dishes in the sink, leaving me, chief cook and everything-else-in-between to wash up, bringing this part of a riveting evening to a close. Part two was just about to warm up as I settled into my favorite T.V. shows and Matthew prizing himself away, somewhat eagerly I’ve noticed recently, to bond with his computer until the wee hours of the morning no doubt, if the rest of the week is anything to go by.

As I sit watching Criminal Minds though not really watching at all, the reality of just how estranged Matthew and I have become hits me like a ton of bricks. We just seem stuck in a kind of subdued coexistence that leaves me feeling lost and lonely most of the time. I thought about the last time we made love and how even love-making follows the same familiar emptiness and disconnect as do most of our interactions these days.

We barely talk to each other anymore and when we do, it’s always about things that need doing around the house or some other domestic tasks or about the kids. Our girls are grown now and Reiner, our last daughter, left for college almost 3-years ago. Thinking about it, it was around the time she left home that the color in our marriage steadily began draining away leaving a gray residue that seems to permeate every moment of our daily lives. We’re pretty much resigned to just going through the motions void of any meaningful connection at all.

We had tried to rescue our relationship a couple of years ago but even back then it was painfully obvious that we were headed to splitsville, the sad fate of so many of our friends and family members. We’d have date nights at least once a week and carved out what we used to call ‘our special time’ to talk and make love. But somehow we just fell back into our old patterns and habits and the mundane took an all-consuming grip. And here we are again, closer than either of us would care to admit, to an irrecoverable split.

I felt an incredible sadness at the prospect of losing Matthew, we’ve shared the same space for what feels like a lifetime. I remember the magic and the passion we had at the beginning of our relationship that continued and grew for many years after. He would make me laugh until my belly felt like it was going to split in two and oh boy was he the quintessential old school romantic. He’d plan these exotic getaways in the mountains and we’d curl up in front of a log fire, sharing and planning out our future together. My heart still skips a beat recollecting the days we’d sneak off work for raunchy rendezvous making hot passionate love in a multitude of forbidden places. It was such a thrill and I’d go back to work feeling a little naughty, a little slutty and we’d have a good old giggle about it later that evening over drinks. Almost every weekend we’d go hiking, or take long walks in the park…just because. And if ever I felt sad or afraid, Matthew would take my hand tightly into his and know just what to say to make me feel better. He was charming and chivalrous and I admired him deeply. It was me and him against the world, partners in crime, we were inseparable…indestructible…back then.

A soft reminiscent sigh brings me back to reality…alone…once again. Matthew in one room, me in the other. How did we get here? I ask myself, fighting back tears as I dive deeply into the crevices of my soul searching for answers and some plausible explanation.

We’re merely two ships passing in the night, strangers sharing a convenient space and our world has become empty and cold. I still love my husband and in his own quirky quiet way, I think he still loves me but how on earth do we get back to that place where we were once so deeply in love?

If You Want Your Relationship To Work You Have To Make It Your Conscious Intention And Give It Attention

A sad but all too common story of a couple who still love and care for one another but somewhere along the road lost the magic, passion, and excitement that once intimately bonded their relationship.

It can be very easy to fall into this marriage trap and most couples are not even aware of when or how it started. You simply fall prey to the unavoidable demands of life that take you further and further away from the attention and intention the relationship needs and deserves to keep it alive and firmly connected.

Couples in today’s modern world face overwhelming challenges that put a serious strain on the relationship. Having a young family, a career, blended or extended family, health and financial challenges likely quadruples the everyday demands.

It is also human nature to get comfortable and take your partner for granted. They’re kind of like that old favorite sweater or comfy pair of slippers that you’ve worn out but aren’t quite ready to give up. The newness has long gone but you refuse to update. Why update when it’s doing a good job of keeping you warm and comfortable, is thoroughly familiar and is a darn good fit?

But relationships are not clothes you get comfortable in and content with to the point of refusing to try anything different or new.

That tired worn-out sweater has to go. It’s time to make room for something with a bit more jazz and pizzazz.

So how do you put the color, fun, and laughter, the fire and desire, back into your tired, worn-out relationship?

Feelings Follow Action Not The Other Way Around

In order for romance to stay alive, you have to keep it alive. Your relationship is a verb, its success is in the ‘doing’ with consistent attention and deliberate intention. Feelings come thereafter.

Rather than focusing on the negative feelings, a small intentional shift to ‘doing’ can have a positive impact on your marriage even when it is on the brink of death like Cathy and Matthew.

You may have lost interest, feelings, or desire towards your partner and wonder if this will ever return. Don’t be overly concerned with your feelings at least for now. Introduce small action or ‘doing’ steps into your relationship on a regular basis. Think about these steps as seeds that you meticulously and wholeheartedly plant every day. Eventually they take root and gain momentum. You add more attention and more ‘doing’ into your relationship and it invariably grows stronger. By focusing on the ‘doing’, feelings inevitably follow in contrast to focusing on your feelings first, which are not always where you would like them to be.

Rebuilding a relationship is no easy feat. One or the other may be holding on to years of hurt, anger, and disappointment. Betrayal and lack of trust remain unresolved. Neglect and taking each other for granted have become the norm. A shift in mindset may be necessary to create conscious intention, particularly in relationships that are deeply troubled.

Imagine if you could mentally propel yourself back to the beginning of your relationship and rekindle the thrill and intoxication you felt then? When you were insanely in love and genuinely interested in each other’s happiness and well-being. Your admiration for him was off the charts and sparks went flying just seeing her or meeting up for coffee. You could barely contain the eagerness of spending time together, catching a movie, or dancing cheek to cheek to the sweet-sounding songs that kept you going into the wee hours of the morning.

Is it possible to rekindle the positive and loving habits you willingly embraced back then, and rechannel them into your relationship today?

Mental Shift and Conscious Choice

So Cathy decided to give it a go. One of us has to be the hero to save what I know in my heart is worth saving, she said to herself. And almost immediately she felt a mental shift and made a conscious choice to embrace a new attitude and approach to make her marriage better.

She knew it wasn’t going to be easy, we’ve been doing the same thing over and over for years and nothing has really changed the weight of which she felt almost every day. But intuitively she knew that things had to change for her and the relationship.

It was already 10.30 pm when Cathy headed upstairs, not to bed as she would normally, only to be disturbed at some ungodly hour of the night by Matthew collapsing next to her after his online escapades. With conscious intention, Cathy changed course, firstly to the bathroom to get some sexy on, and inwardly proclaimed she was going to have some fun tonight seducing her husband.

Yes, it felt somewhat strange at first, awkward even, but with each negative thought or reservation, she replaced it with positive intent. And her intention tonight was for some romp and romance. She looked in the mirror one last time, a little nervous for sure, she almost felt like a fumbling teenager anticipating her very first kiss. She felt attractive and feminine in her white, lacy lingerie, she hoped Matthew would like it, remembering the many times he would surprise her with beautifully wrapped gifts of sexy unmentionables.

As she made her way to his room, the sound from the computer was loud, almost overbearing but she was not going to be deterred. Matthew darling, she called his name in the most sultry tone she could muster, heart thumping as she walked towards him. He was startled at first but stood up, and strangely, unexpectedly paused for a moment before kissing her gently on the lips. He looked deeply into her eyes, softly stroking her hair. Cathy’s heart began beating faster, the awkwardness she noticed was dissipating fast. A new feeling overcame her, one she hadn’t felt for a very long time.

Although Cathy initiated intimacy with Matthew, he was responsive and reciprocated almost in sync with his wife. Her focus was on the ‘doing’ and she distanced herself from her feelings. In the act of ‘doing’, her feelings followed. They gave their marriage the attention it deserved. That night they made love in a way that felt like the beginning of a brand new chapter of their lives together.

It’s all in the ‘Doing’

How might you create a mental shift and apply intention and attention to actions to make your relationship better? Actions don’t need to be grand, it’s actually the small everyday gestures, done regularly that impact your relationship in a meaningful and lasting way.

Perhaps you could start by buying her favorite flowers or taking him out for Saturday morning breakfast. Spending money is not always a requirement, the ‘doing’ in your relationship can be as simple as kind, loving words of appreciation. Whatever the action, being intentional and giving your relationship the attention it deserves, nurturing it consistently creates an emotional bond and deepens intimacy. You learn each other intimately and become more responsive to each other’s needs. You create an environment of appreciation and support and grow in closeness and friendship. In time and with practice, the entire focus of your relationship changes from the reactive tendencies of your emotions to a life-long investment in the health, happiness, and wellbeing of your lives together.

Begin today to live a life of conscious intention and give your relationship the attention it deserves.

Are you ready to write the beautiful new story of your relationship?

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