What Am I Doing Here?

‘We’ve been in this mess for years,’ Mica screamed at Mark on the brink of despair, ripping up the demand letter from the loan company who were threatening to repossess their car.

‘What the hell do you want me to do?’ Mark retorted ‘I’m already working extra hours at the repair shop, if you didn’t spend so much money on clothes and shoes and things we don’t need, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.’

Mark couldn’t contain the anger toward his wife and as they continued arguing, it spiraled into a familiar all-out rage. He yelled and cursed at Mica blaming her for never being satisfied and always wanting more.

Mark and Mica had been married for 6 years and had 4 grown-up children between them in addition to Mark’s 14-year-old daughter Jasmine. They lived in a less than desirable neighborhood where nothing earth-shattering or out of the ordinary ever occurred. Life just ticked along, one day much the same as the next.

After arguing all afternoon and well into the night, Mica decided to turn in. She was worn out from the events of the day and had no more energy to even think about the chores on her plate lined up for the following day. ‘Tomorrow’, she sighed, “I’ll deal with it all then.’ Leaving her husband slumped in front of the PlayStation, oblivious to her and everything else, she headed upstairs to bed.

She couldn’t sleep…tossing and turning her way into the wee hours of the morning with no relief in sight. All she could think about was her marriage and how from the very beginning, she and Mark had never really been what you would call a happy couple. She questioned whether or not she still loved the man that she now felt so terribly disconnected from.

Staring aimlessly into the darkness, thoughts swirling around her head, remembering her former years when Mica felt so much better about herself and her life. She had big dreams and an even bigger belief in herself. Her larger-than-life personality, kind heart, and unrelenting spirit were the driving force she could always rely on. She felt sad by the shadow of the person she had become today, almost unrecognizable.

In the midst of her soul searching, she wondered why she was holding on to an empty, loveless marriage. Then there was the constant arguing and bickering that almost always ended up with her crying, him yelling, or in some other way that just wasn’t healthy for the marriage. She couldn’t always remember the details or how the arguments started, but she never forgot how they left her feeling frightened and sometimes intimidated. As a last resort, they sought marriage counseling. Mark thought it was a waste of time and money but Mica was prepared to fight to save her marriage. After six sessions Mark refused to continue. In a kind and sympathetic tone, the counselor suggested they try again in a few months but somehow she knew there would be no more visits to his office for counseling.

Of course, Mica couldn’t blame everything on Mark. She was 42 when they met, both giving marriage a second try. Mark was kind but even at the beginning, they had very little in common. He was quiet and really didn’t talk much, most of her friends thought he was standoffish. And they definitely weren’t on the same page when it came to their ideas about marriage and money and housework and come to think of it, almost everything else. Mica knew deep down she had settled but she hoped with time, their love would grow and their relationship would get stronger. But at 3.36 in the morning, still not able to sleep, Mica let out a defeated sigh at the truth she knew deep down in her heart.

What am I doing here? Mica urged under her breath. She could barely think of a time that she and her husband laughed or did fun things together. He was always so serious and whenever she tried to communicate her feelings, he would either shut down or try to shut her down. Their communication styles were very different and neither of us, she had to admit, really made any effort to understand or accommodate the other. Loneliness plagued her everyday world.

Although Mica and Mark’s kids were grown and on their own, Mark’s last daughter was a big part of his life. Jasmine spent most weekends and holidays with Mark and Mica tried everything to develop a relationship with her. But she wasn’t having any of it. She resisted every last one of Mica’s efforts and the interactions devolved into cold cordial exchanges. Mica could have looked past Jasmine’s indifference and at times disrespectful attitude, after all, her own teenagers struggled to accept Mark in the beginning. But baby mama drama was definitely not something she signed up for nor was she prepared to tolerate. Mark’s ex-wife hated that he’d remarried and was not about to make life easy for anybody.

It wasn’t so much as her interfering in her marriage that infuriated Mica, it was more about Mark’s inability to set clear boundaries and unequivocally communicate them to Leani. She never felt part of a ‘me and you against the world’ team with her husband which left the relationship unprotected and wide open to invasion from others. Even with Mark’s older kids, Mica never developed a bond or closeness or anything that connected the family together. She felt like a stranger in a strange land, an outsider looking in.

Another long exasperated sigh filled up Mica’s chest. Putting up with so much over the years was taking a heavy toll. She was tired. Not from another sleepless night, she’d become adept at managing an empty tank. She finally found the courage and confessed out loud…‘I’ve been living a lie. Our values and vision of what a relationship means were never aligned. It’s not that either of us was wrong about our relationship ideals and expectations, the truth is we were just wrong for each other.’ She felt an almost immediate shift in her energy.

It was clear that their worlds were so far apart. There was no solid foundation or shared values to hold the relationship together. The revelation was jarring for Mica even more so because she knew it was time for an honest look at herself. A deep dive into her heart and Soul to seek her truth. This wasn’t about Mark. The discord and dysfunction that had plagued her marriage from the beginning, had everything to do with what she allowed herself to accept. What she believed she deserved. And what she consented to. To confront herself was disconcerting but Mica knew it was a necessary process for change.

“If you are living in a dysfunctional relationship with another person, it’s because you have a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.”

Your Choices Reflect Your Vision and Values

We all have a vision for our lives and love relationships. You have a vision of who you are and how and where you fit into the world. You also have values. Your values serve as your inner guidance, a self-governing system that drives you toward certain choices and away from other choices. When your vision is aligned with your values you are grounded in a strong sense of who you are and it is reflected in the life choices that you make. You feel content and comfortable with yourself. You experience moments of love, serenity, and gratitude. You show up with emotional courage and personal integrity. You are not afraid to confront your demons or challenge your insecurities.

When someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet, of course, it feels wonderful. You experience a crazy intense connection and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get them out of your mind. It’s overwhelming. Intoxicating and darn right exhausting. For the fortunate few it may lead to falling in love and a lifetime commitment. But even in this whirlwind of emotions your vision and values act as a compass that guides you in the direction that is most life-affirming. Being true to yourself is critical because when you minimize yourself for the sake of others, sacrifice your hopes and dreams, deny your needs, lose your voice, and remain buried under a mountain of pain, the collateral damage is exhaustive. Choosing to compromise your values and the vision you have for yourself ultimately leads to those events, situations, circumstances, and by extension relationships, that are life-depleting.

Mica was lost in somebody else’s drama. She was hurting, lonely and sad but denied her own needs for the sake of pleasing her husband. She was not being true to herself which over time had a negative impact on her self-esteem and diminished her sense of personal power. True mutuality did not extend the length and breadth of the marriage. Her authentic self was forever-present in the form of an inner voice reminding her of her self-value and worth and that she is deserving of better but Mica shut it out. Refused to listen and played a different soundtrack in her mind. But who you are inside, the intrinsic self that lives in the shadows of your core values never gives up. You feel it as your intuition, a nagging voice, a 6th sense, an internal disconnect trying to express the truth of who you are.

Mica was willing to accept less than what she deserved because for a moment she was disconnected from herself. The fear of leaving was greater than the fear of staying and her courage was smaller than her own self-belief. But in the quiet of the night. In the whispers of the morning dew, she was able to hear the words that she already knew and garnered the strength to choose herself. Mica left. She loved her husband but she loved herself more. And she was about to embark on a new journey of finding herself.

When You Are Out Of Alignment

Life is not a straight line. There are curves and contours and things that go bump in the night! It’s all part of the messy mix of life. It comes packed full of ups and downs, stops and starts, and things that flow nicely or sometimes don’t flow at all. But when life is more chaotic than calm. More drama than comedy. When stress, struggle, and anxiety are all-consuming and interfere with the enjoyment of daily living, you may be out of alignment.

Life has a way of letting you know when you are not living your values and your truth. Discovering who you are can be a difficult journey because we see aspects of ourselves we don’t like and don’t wish to confront. But you can’t change what you refuse to see or don’t want to acknowledge. You repeat what you don’t repair.

Self-work is a personal journey toward happiness and fulfillment. As a Life and Couples Coach, I support you to find your voice and help you live a life that reflects who you are. Click below to schedule a FREE one-on-one Strategy Session with me TODAY!

With grace and gratitude

Michelle

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