Repair Attempts | Repair in Relationships

Healthy relationships often involve navigating difficult conversations and disagreements. While these situations can be uncomfortable, it’s important to recognize that arguments are an inevitable part of a relationship. What truly sets successful couples apart is their ability to repair after conflict, which requires compromise and communication from both partners in order for the relationship to move forward successfully. Repair in Relationships

A repair is an intentional action taken by one or both partners to contain conflict before it spirals out of control. A ‘Repair Attempt’ is the apt term coined by Dr. Gottman to describe any word or action that may alleviate escalating negativity and restore trust and balance within the relationship. Anything from a lighthearted joke to a serious conversation counts as a repair attempt as long as it puts an end to rising negativity. Repair in Relationships

Unsuccessful repair attempts ignite conflict, whereas successful repair attempts act as buffers in reducing stress and avoiding “flooding”, a.k.a the overwhelming feeling of being unable to cope. Repair in Relationships

Research has shown that successful repair attempts positively impact relationships since it gives an opportunity for both parties involved to understand, compromise, and find new solutions for furthering the growth of their bond.
Some examples of repair statements include:

– I Feel…“I’m concerned about the situation.”
– I Need To Calm Down…“I apologize for my previous statement.”
– Sorry…, “I apologize for my overreaction.”
– Stop Action… “Can we please restart the conversation?”
– Get To Yes, “I understand your perspective and agree with some of your points.”
– I Appreciate, “I recognize that I played a role in the problem and would like to address it.”

Repair becomes significantly more successful when there is an underlying foundation of friendship. When both partners feel heard appreciated and connected in daily interactions with one another, it sets the tone for mutual understanding and constructive dialogue when conflicts arise. Repair in Relationships

It turns out that the success of a relationship is not determined by the absence of conflict or discord but rather by the degree to which effective repair strategies are employed and the strength of a couple’s friendship bond. In this article, I’ll share practical tips and suggestions for incorporating these practices into your own relationship. Repair in Relationships

1. Building The Friendship Foundation

Partners who strive to create a strong, positive bond built on friendship, mutual respect, admiration, acceptance of differences, and shared purpose are likely to find that their relationship endures. It is so much more than just getting along day-to-day; it involves recognizing the importance of supporting and nurturing each other’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations and creating a shared vision for your lives together. The goal, therefore, is not in finding solutions for every marital disagreement, research shows that it is not possible to do so – rather it is learning how to accept and peacefully coexist with each other’s differences. Through this understanding, you are able to tap into deeper dimensions of the relationship by establishing a deep friendship and shared values or purpose as you move beyond being caught up in an endless cycle of conflict. Repair in Relationships

2. Taking Responsibility And Seeing Your Partner’s Point of View | Repair in Relationships

Conversations can quickly veer off track or become heated with the slightest provocation and it’s easy to slip into defensive mode. But true emotional maturity is demonstrated by the willingness to take responsibility for your own actions instead of pointing the finger and placing the entire blame on your partner. Trying to understand your partner’s viewpoint in the midst of conflict though difficult to do, can also go a long way toward calming the overall dynamic and leading everyone back to calmer, more constructive dialogue. Developing self-awareness, being intentional, and making repairs with compassion for each other and for the relationship can be powerful tools for managing conflict and repair.

3. Recognizing When Things Are Becoming Heated in a relationship (Triggers) | Repair in Relationships

By understanding the wounds and traumas that each has experienced as individuals, you begin to understand how these feelings may be unintentionally projected in the current relationships. This has a powerful impact on your ability to effectively resolve conflicts – it requires you to look beneath surface needs, identify triggers and sources of escalating tension and uncover what is driving each person’s behavior. By doing so you can get beyond the behavior and understand the cause. Repair in Relationships

In order to gain a thorough understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings, perspective, emotions, and needs make sure that you are actively engaged in the conversation by listening attentively. Taking in their perspectives provides deeper insight into who they are inside and attunes you to their wants and needs and how you might offer the support they seek. Repair in Relationships

Take note of body language cues in addition to verbal communication, what is being said and what is not being said – empathize with their feelings, and open up lines of honest dialogue. Consciously making these efforts on both sides you can increase your awareness of emotional triggers and ensure that disagreements don’t escalate and cause irreparable damage. Simultaneously you strengthen the bond between you through increased knowledge, compassion, and understanding of one another. Repair in Relationships

Watch this fun video to develop even more relational skills. Get it HERE

4. Cooling Down After An Argument Before Trying To Repair Things

Disagreements with partners can be emotionally taxing, but there are ways to bring calm back into the relationship. Taking some time to cool off before attempting to mend the relationship gives each of you a chance to reflect and regain clarity about what has happened. Writing out thoughts on paper or engaging in activities that help reset perspective will not only help diffuse emotional tension but could lead to uncovering deeper motivations that have caused misunderstandings between both of you and ultimately strengthen the relationship!

There are a few things to consider when taking time away from the relationship: Repair in Relationships

• Dynamics of Flooding

When heated emotions take over, couples should be aware of the dynamics of ‘flooding’ (more on this below), and establish a sign of distress that signals their need for a timeout. This could be anything from saying “I’m feeling flooded and I need 20 minutes to cool off” or using a pre-arranged hand signal previously agreed upon by both partners. Such action provides a mechanism to step away and regain composure before returning later on. The key is recognizing when those emotional floodgates open in order to avoid any further escalation during conflict scenarios.

• Do The Inner Work

During break time avoid negative or critical thoughts or distress maintaining thoughts about your partner such as, “I don’t have to take this,” “I’ll show her or “I’m going to get even.” Rather, focus inwardly and connect with yourself through music, take a stroll in the park for some mindful movement; grab hold of those inner peace vibes via meditation practice; curl up with an engaging read. Exercise can also offer excellent stress relief.

• Breaks are not for avoidance

Taking a break from an uncomfortable conversation can be beneficial, but it is not a method of avoidance. It’s important to come back together and work through the issues in order to grow closer as partners. (Conflict-avoidance is corrosive to the relationship. If you need help developing better communication skills, consider signing up for The Communication Map. 6-week Coaching Program that offers a structured framework for addressing issues, navigating challenges, and finding common ground.)

• Honor time-out requests

Acknowledge your partner’s needs by honoring their right to take a breather. You may a tendency to want to get the last word or make one final point. But a pause in communication allows both partners to regain control of their feelings so they may return with a fresh perspective. It’s also an act of compassion recognizing that your partner is distraught. Honor time-out requests immediately.

• Leave each other’s presence

Taking a break in the same room is counterproductive and can result in early re-engagement before either person has had time to reset or process their emotions. A change of environment, such as going into another room or taking a walk outside, can help quell emotions before calmness has been restored.

• Give it at least 20 minutes

Your body needs at least 20 minutes of rest in order to properly reset its chemical balance, ensuring you don’t continue experiencing further physiological distress.

• Self-soothing and Soothing Your Partner

Learning how to calm yourself first, you become a source of comfort for your partner through reverse conditioning – leading them to view you as an anchor during times of difficulty. In order to comfort each other, you need to have an open discussion about flooding.

As human beings, our bodies are hardwired for survival and when things become too intense; we shift into protection mode, and dialogue becomes impeded as our physiological processes get activated in order to protect us from harm. According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

Flooding can bring about physiological changes such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration – revealing just how much strain you actually undergo during intense conflict. This instinctive response to stress is the body’s built-in alarm system called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA), and is characterized by increased heart rate and adrenaline production as the body attempt to protect itself from danger.

So when you’re faced with overwhelming negativity from your partner or repeated criticism or attacks, the body perceives it as an imminent threat of danger and automatically triggers the fight or flight response. While some people have a natural tendency to confront such an onslaught, others prefer to avoid confrontation altogether. Either way, the brain enters a state of intense focus diverting huge amounts of attention energy in the brain’s cortexes which limits sensory range, making communication increasingly difficult during such high moments of stress. Instead, the subconscious mind opts for protection by emotionally disconnecting in order to create distance and physical safety.

“Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded – the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on – make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem–solving discussion.” ~ Dr John Gottman

Repair attempts save marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between spouses, but because by lowering stress levels they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded.

Antidote to flooding

Being able to soothe yourself and your partners is the antidote to flooding. Soothing helps interrupt the cycle of trauma that can be caused by DPA and in healthy relationships, couples learn how to soothe one another and give each other comfort.

Self-soothing focuses on calming the body through a meditative technique that progressively relaxes each body part and releases tension. Get creative and come up with your own self-soothing techniques, anything that calls time and nourishes the relationship once flooding has occurred. Using a pre-arranged hand signal as mentioned earlier works well in breaking cycles of distress.

A more fulfilling relationship experience!

Conflict in relationships is an unavoidable phenomenon – but, it does not have to be a source of tension and distress. Instead, couples can use conflict as an opportunity for growth and intimacy through the implementation of repair strategies that reduce anxiety levels while creating a strong friendship bond.

Although relationships are not always smooth sailing, having the right tools, putting in the work, and adopting relational skills can transform your relationship into something beautiful and help you navigate through tough times. Applying the 4 steps outlined in my blog you can become a master of conflict resolution and repair and buffer against future stress. If applied correctly don’t be surprised to find yourself enjoying a more fulfilling relationship experience!

write a beautiful new story of your relationship.

Are conflict and misunderstandings tearing apart your relationship? Take action now with Couples Coaching and develop relational skills to deepen intimacy, communication, and friendship. I use science-based tools and techniques to help identify your strengths and weaknesses and create an Action Plan for a more satisfying and fulfilling partnership. Imagine having more fun, sharing more of yourself, and strengthening your bond.  Schedule a FREE, one-on-one, ‘Couple’s Relationship Strategy Session, and let’s work together to write a beautiful new story of your relationship!

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With Grace and Gratitude

Michelle

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