Sharing an Emotional Bond

It’s the day before the first anniversary of my best friend’s funeral and the feeling of sadness and dread has been plaguing me for weeks.

Of course, I was devastated when the phone rang at 1.30 in the early hours of the morning, April 17th, 2018, the date woefully etched into my memory, Annie’s Mum screaming down the phone, ‘she’s gone, she’s gone, words that have haunted me ever since that life-shattering moment. The tragic day I lost my best friend…how it changed me…my world…one year on, the heartache still so much to bear.

How I long for someone to understand, to hear my pain, to rescue me from this avalanche of grief. Today especially, when the pain is so raw, re-living the agony like it was yesterday.

Thick tears begin to well up in my eyes as I sit on the edge of the bed, staring aimlessly out of the window, lost and lonely, at least in that moment before Michael walks in. Michael, my husband, the love of my life gently wraps his hands around mine and the warmth of his tender kiss reassures me that I’m not alone.

He kisses my hand again, tell me what you’re feeling Tania, where does it hurt baby, he asks? Fighting back tears, I describe the traumatic events of that fateful night, the night I lost my darling Annie.

Vivid flashbacks play out in my mind but Michael’s touch and presence somehow cushion the pain. I relive the story as though each frame is happening in slow motion. Michael listens, not saying a word, just allowing me to tell the story and in the silent spaces of our conversation, I feel safe, reassured, and listened to.

Tell me more about Annie, he asks well into the intricate recount. Annie was my rock, my hero, my inspiration. She was funny and kind of quirky and in that sweet moment of reminiscence, I chuckle with fond memories of the things we shared and our lives together since the very first day we met in kindergarten.

Before I knew it, darkness crept into the room engulfing it seemed, with imposing shadows on the walls, extending to the outside porch and beyond. But I wasn’t afraid or alone. Michael had created a safe place for me to express my sadness, grief, despair, even gratitude, and love for dear Annie. Who else could make me smile in the clutches of such anguish? Always knowing what to say at just the right moment. His thoughtful inquiry opened the door to so much more of me.

What Does an Emotional Bond Look Like?

A beautiful story of two people sharing an emotional bond. So what are the components of an emotional bond, what does it look like, and exactly how does it support growth and self-exploration?

An emotional bond is the glue that holds a relationship together. It’s experienced as a profound sense of knowing. Knowing you are loved and cared for. Knowing you are accepted for who you are. Knowing you are grounded in openness and transparency. Knowing trust and security are at the core of your relationship. Knowing you can be vulnerable and share your deepest emotions, your darkest secrets, your life’s vision and dreams, and just about everything else in between. An emotional bond is expressed as a strong feeling of closeness with your partner that not only creates the space for deep and intimate sharing and communication but is also responsive to a range of emotions. An Emotional Bond looks like Michael’s response when his wife experienced a rush of intense emotions on the anniversary of her best friend’s funeral.

Having the capacity to respond to each other’s needs in your relationship is key to strengthening your emotional bond which in turn builds intimacy and trust.

When trust is firmly at the core of a relationship it creates an environment of vulnerability. It is impossible to be vulnerable with your partner unless you feel safe. Tania felt safe enough to express her deepest feelings. To open up to her husband and share in a very raw and real way.

Being Known and Being Heard

Tania did not hold back. Without any real awareness of what was taking place in the moment, a process of growth and self-exploration was unfolding. Michael’s thoughtful and intuitive exploration is an example of deep level communication and emotional maturity which like glue, bonds in a very permanent and complete way.

Tania’s needs translated to: ‘I’m speaking to you about me because I want to be known. I want you to know and understand the deepest parts of me.‘ This is the basis of self-expression. To be known and understood fully and entirely by your partner. As you grow to know each other more deeply, you inevitably experience more connection.

Michael created a space for his wife to be known. Not just the pain she was feeling in the moment but aspects of her past, present, and future all came into play, adding new dimensions and depth to the relationship that were previously unexplored. He learned more about the things that made Tania smile and what was special, and meaningful to her. He discovered the intimate history she shared with Annie. He gained a greater understanding of the woman he married and deepened his admiration for the strong and beautiful woman she was becoming. With new learning, comes growth.

Michael was also present for Tania. A quality of being fully in the moment with someone without distraction. No social media, no video games, no phones pinging left-right, and center, no eyes glued staunchly to the tv in dire anticipation of the next scene. Nothing but her husband’s full, undivided attention when she most needed to be heard. Michael was in sync with his wife’s needs, and consequently, Tania’s needs were met.

Creating friendship is also a fundamental ingredient of a strong emotional bond. It is clear that Michael and Tania’s friendship is at the cornerstone of their love life. The quality of a solid friendship not only bolsters your relationship but study after study also reveals it is the best predictor of its long-term success. When couples interact with each other and share friendship-like experiences, it makes for elevated levels of sexual and emotional satisfaction.

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Sharing an emotional bond encourages growth and self-exploration.

Growth and self-exploration happen when friendship is firmly at the center of your love life. Much like your cherished ‘BFF,’ ‘Bro,’ or ‘Bestie’ who you have a great fondness for, and whose company you enjoy. Who you share similar interests, experiences, and values with. And what is meaningful to you is also meaningful to them. Shared meaning that adds yet another layer to the lives you share together. Translated to your love life, you create a very special bond that is solid and unbreakable.

Qualities of an Emotional Bond

Certainly from Michael and Tania’s love story, the qualities of an emotional bond are quite apparent.

Listening – Not simply listening but actually hearing what is being said and also what is not being said, the silences in between the words. Intuitive listening picks up on the unspoken clues that hint at a larger story behind the words. Listening to the nuances of body language and listening for cues to know when and how to respond.

Being Present – The quality of being fully in the moment without distractions with your partner. Being present is a verb and is very impactful to the receiver. When you are deliberately present in your relationship, you experience one another in a very deep and complete way. You feel heard. You feel that your needs are deserving of your partner’s full and undivided attention.

Emotionally Attuned – It was as though Michael was feeling what Tania was experiencing. Emotionally intelligent couples are attuned and responsive to each other’s needs. They are emotionally aligned and emotionally accessible and often know or have a sense of what’s going on with one another.

Being Known – With thoughtful questions…‘Tell me more about Annie?’ ‘What are you feeling baby?’ A solid relationship is grounded in the principle of Self-expression. ‘I’m expressing myself to you…I want to be known deeply by you.’ ‘I want you to know all of me.’ Knowing each other completely and on a deep level makes you feel more connected to each other.

Creating a safe space to be vulnerable – True intimacy cannot be experienced unless you create a space for your partner to feel safe and to be fully vulnerable. For most people, being vulnerable is scary because you open up a part of yourself that is reserved only for you. Your thoughts, fears, anxieties, challenges, weaknesses, and every imaginable dark and hidden shadow become known to someone else. And although this may make you feel exposed, if you allow vulnerability, you discover that something far more profound is taking place. You begin to open yourself up to be accepted, supported, and loved exactly as you are, the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is the unfolding of true intimacy. Connecting with your partner on an emotional level requires you to take risks and walk through vulnerability to meet each other fully.

Trust – Trust is at the core of a healthy relationship and is a crucial element of an emotional bond. Trust supports growth and self-exploration on many levels and is defined as follows:

Trust is a choice to be available, vulnerable, and transparent in a relationship because the person you’re trusting has proven worthy of your partnership through consistency in their honesty, integrity, and dependability.

Trust, therefore, is something that has to be ‘proven’ and earned over time through your partner’s actions. Once trust is broken, your relationship may never be the same again which gives some insight into the critical nature of trust.

Friendship – The importance of friendship in a relationship cannot be understated. When you think of a friend it’s usually someone you like, someone you enjoy being with, someone who makes you laugh, is fun, shares similar interests and values, and someone that is there for you in the good times and the bad. If your partner is your best friend, you’re surely on the road to a happy, fulfilling, and lasting relationship.

Most people dream of having a relationship like Michael and Tania’s. No doubt they have built and nurtured the relationship over time, giving it the love and attention it deserves. Not all couples have the skill or know-how to create a love affair that is happy, healthy, and physically and emotionally satisfying. Love may well be present but lacking in true intimacy. You may find yourself asking such questions as ‘How do we create more intimacy with one another? How can we deepen our friendship? Is trust possible after a deep betrayal? Let’s take this to the next level, where do we start?

If you are married or in a long-term relationship and you want to experience more in your love life, Couples Coaching may be for you.

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